Only You
by Flicker
Summary: Abby and Luka don’t want to face their problems, but when Carter does something unexpected, to himself even, they’re forced to confront their inner demons and to let each other go.
1. Fall With Me

Only You ****

Only You

It all belongs to Michael Crichton and anyone who has rights on it. 

Author's Notes + Thanks: Hey, hey, howdy hey folks! 'Tis me again, back with another story! Okay, maybe I haven't finished two others, but what can I say? I got bored. So, thank you reviewers. Please be nice, reviewers – I actually have no psychological understanding of any of the characters! And this is my first ER fic (no spoilers) with a slightly different writing style. It's Abby/Carter and the remains of Abby/Luka. Thank you for listening folks, I bade you good night.

***

Chapter 1

****

Fall With Me

__

Where did you go?

Where did it crash?

When did it start to fall?

Lara Fabian – Giving Up On You

***

"Hey, Abby." Abby strode in through the County Cook General doors and went into the staff room, where she was immediately greeted by Carter. 

"Hey." She ran a hand through her soft hair, and rubbed her bleary eyes. God, she hated early shifts. Carter grinned sympathetically and absentmindedly took note of the way she the light fell on her hair. 

"I got a minor waiting for you in curtain three, if you could take it, but you can get a coffee first." Abby smiled dryly.

"Oh, the joys of what this hospital laughingly calls coffee early in the morning just before I attend another screaming patient." 

"You know it – why don't you go grab a coffee across the street? You're a few minutes early." Smiling gratefully, Abby spun around and started her way out the doors when a female patient was wheeled in with multiple lacerations to the body – another victim of crime. Malucci was calling for someone to assist. Sighing, Abby spun around again exasperatedly and started her shift. 

***

Later on in the day once Abby had treated the patient in curtain three, she had gone to the staff room and made herself a cup of coffee. It tasted disgusting, but it was coffee. She cradled it in her hands like it was something precious. Precious to her, anyway. Just about everything else was falling apart, but she could count on the coffee, which tasted bitter and brought her daily doses of caffeine. She closed her eyes and pretended she had more than a few moments to herself. She couldn't think. If she thought too much, she was sure she would fall into depression. So many things were going wrong. The intense, silent moments that grew longer every time she spoke to Luka. Luka loved her, but he never told her, never showed his emotions to her. The distant moments with her mother when she could think straight. No words needed to be spoken – they screamed at her loudly enough. And the feelings. The new, unwanted feelings that could shatter her already fragile world. The ones for Carter. They had started to stir only a few weeks ago, breaking her, pulling her and Luka apart. She pushed it away, all of it. She didn't care – she didn't want to feel for John any other way than as a friend. There was no way that she would hurt Luka that way, even if there was a chance, the slightest chance that Carter had felt these 'hormonal breakdowns' as she called them. All the small things that she suddenly noticed about him, how his hair smelled of coconut and how he smiled genuinely at her when she was having a rough day. The way his eyes glimmered – when he had dated Rena. And then she found out that Rena had dumped him because of her. Did it mean anything? Or was it just a common misconception made frequently by a young girlfriend, mistaking the close companionship between them for something that would make her jealous? Sometimes, she could feel his eyes following her, as if they wanted her, wanted to share her laughter, wanted to be her reason for living, but she never did turn to see if he was watching. She was too scared with what she might find in those chocolate brown eyes of his. And she could never do it to Luka. Never. Carter entered the staff room. 

"Sorry, Abby, but Luka wants your help in curtain six." He stood close to her, making himself a coffee and she could feel the fabric of his clothing brushing against hers, the warm skin underneath. She dropped the polythene coffee cup into the bin shakily and started out of the staff room. She would never do that to Luka. Never. Her hands trembled.

***

Carter sat back in the old, tattered chair in the staff room, breathing in and out, slowly. He felt as if he were hyperventilating. It was killing him to see Abby like this everyday, to feel her so close to him, knowing that she never thought what he thought about her. A love unrequited. He couldn't do this, he couldn't be so close to her, couldn't be her shoulder to cry on when there were communication problems between her and Luka, couldn't be the one who drove her to Oklahoma to rescue her mom. He just couldn't. He knew that Abby would never feel that way about him. When Rena had dumped him on accusations that he had a crush on Abby, Rena didn't know how close she actually was to the truth. Maybe it was more than a crush. And things between him and Luka were straining especially now he had been spending too much unhealthy time with Abby. He knew that Luka was getting suspicious, but Luka had nothing to be suspicious about. He had his girl. And she loved no one else but him. Carter could only wish that she would ever feel a glimmer of something more than compassionate friendship with him. Sometimes he would watch her walking around the ER, maintaining her banter with Malucci whilst handling the cases. Watching the way she pulled her hair behind her ears when it fell in her face and chewed her lip when troubled. He didn't just admire her for her skill – he admired her for the way she was efficient with patients, the way she tenderly handled the small children, the way she laughed, the way she coped with her mother. Mostly, the way she stole his heart. But she would never love him. He told himself that it would never happen, so he should just forget it. But stepping out the staff room, he watched her walking down the corridor, her features concentrated, figure poised, heading into curtain six, bracing herself for the patient or Luka, he couldn't tell. He simply felt more compassion towards her than before. No, these feelings would not go away until something was done. 

***

Abby pulled off her gloves after stepping out the curtain, closely followed by Luka.

"Well, that was successful." Luka said, trying to break the tense silence between them.

"Hmm." Abby walked on slightly quicker, she didn't want to be in this position, she didn't want to have another argument, not here, not now.

"Abby?" 

"Uh-huh?"

"Never mind." Breathing a sigh of relief that no confrontation had occurred, she walked, never seeing the pained face of Luka's, etched with confusion and anguish. She carried on walking. 

***

The moment Abby got into her and Luka's apartment, she dumped her stuff on the floor and immediately went to take a shower. The hot, almost scalding water relaxed her, soothed her tired and aching body. Finishing the shower, she pulled on a shirt and jeans and stood on the balcony, breathing the cool air in, holding on tightly to the sides of the rail so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She balanced precariously on the edge, looking down at the busy night, people still moving about, the bright lights still shining like mini stars in the city. She did this often, looking over the balcony, telling herself that she shouldn't jump, that as long as she was helping the occupants of Chicago, she had a reason for living. But then she thought that an unhappy doctor wasn't a very good doctor, and it had proved true recently, making small slip-ups and mistakes that even Malucci couldn't have made. Tears were running down her face, stinging her cheeks, the wind biting. Suddenly resolved, she grabbed her coat and locked the door behind her, wanting to get out of the apartment before Luka finished his shift and came back, another uneasy night. She knew where she was going, but she didn't know why.

***

Carter, dressed in a t-shirt and boxers opened his door and was shocked to find a disheveled Abby, with her wet hair and dressed in her own clothes, waiting at the door, an apologetic, yet grim smile awaiting him. 

"Abby, what are you doing here?" She smiled ruefully.

"I didn't want to be there when Luka got home." Without asking furthermore, he let her in, as a friend would. She went in and sat on the sofa, which she was familiar with, seeing as she had been there countless times. He sat next to her, staring down at his feet awkwardly. He never knew why, but Abby had this way of making him feel uncomfortable even in his own home. She took her coat off quietly, neither of them speaking, nor looking at each other. As she turned away for a moment, glancing out the window, her looked at her, shivering, despite the fact that the windows weren't open, and staring vacantly into the distance, he felt an immediate urge to comfort her, to make her feel better, the way a friend would. He was confused, agonizing over why she had chosen to come to him, why not anyone else? But the answer was much less complicated. He was about the only friend she had right now, so it would make sense, but he still hoped. He would never stop hoping. 

"Abby, do you want to talk about it?" He said, finally breaking the silence. She turned slightly, her head inclined in his direction.

"Not really." He turned his head away, frustrated. So what else was he to do? If she didn't want his help, why did she come here? But she started to speak again. 

"John?"

"Uh-huh."

"John, would you just hold me for a while? It's been long since Luka has held me, and that's what I need right now, apart from a smoke and a strong drink. Just as a friend, could you hold me?"

"Um, okay." She moved closer to him and lay her head on his chest, his hands embracing her, protecting her from the cold. His chin lay on top of her still wet hair, and looked down at her. To him, she looked like a lost child, who was holding onto a lifesaver. He knew that she and Luka had problems that they needed to sort out and that something was definitely wrong with the relationship when Abby found comfort in him rather than her own boyfriend, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her that. Instead he held her close, the way a friend would. 

***

Luka walked into his and Abby's apartment and immediately knew that she wasn't there. So it would be another night spent apart. He tiredly closed the balcony door and getting ready for bed quickly, he lay in bed, trying to sleep. He had heard somewhere that counting sheep would help, so imagining white fluffy things walking past, he counted them. After quite a while, he decided to stop counting sheep, seeing as he was on sheep #309. He couldn't get to sleep and he didn't know why. Lying there, with his warm duvet, he felt cold. His thoughts plagued him – not stopping it's forever burning inside him. He worried about Abby – he loved her, but couldn't bring himself to show anything. If he got too close and lost her, then he would be a lost cause. It would happen all over again and he didn't think he could cope. He loved her more than she knew. He loved the way she smiled and laughed, the way she secretly danced to the radio when she thought he was in another room. He loved her presence. But recently, it seemed to have dwindled into a passionless relationship, that Luka couldn't handle. He missed their silly little talks, now replaced by petty arguments, their long hugs – now they avoided each other. He thought it was completely ludicrous, but he had found a reason for why they had drifted apart. He had a feeling, an inkling that it was Abby's mom. He saw the way Abby pulled at her hair and chewed on her lip agitatedly when she received phone calls about her mom. He knew that she had problems coping, but who was he to interfere, if he wasn't asked to? Abby never told him anything about how she was feeling anymore, but then neither did he. He felt too many restraints on himself, restricting him. And anyway, Abby had Carter. Yes, the headstrong, classic clean-cut American, who managed to get under Luka's skin. The friction between them became quite dangerous sometimes, mostly in front of Abby. He never understood the relationship between the two, but he knew it was getting closer than he and Abby were at the moment. He was jealous of Carter, certainly. Carter had something with Abby that he would never have with her. But he liked to think that he and Abby also had something special, something that Carter and Abby would never have. He liked to think that it was love, but it looked like love was flying away on its white wings. Lying there, Luka resolved that he would break at least some of the walls that had built up when Abby returned, but when she did finally tiptoe into bed, the side furthest from him, he couldn't seem to open his mouth. Then she got out of bed hurriedly and stood out on the balcony, crying as quietly as she could manage. Luka could hear everything, but fear of rejection didn't permit him to get up and comfort her. 

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A/N: Feedback please! 


	2. Lie To Me

Only You ****

Only You

***

Chapter 2

****

Lie To Me

__

There is something that I see 

In the way you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth in your eyes

Dana Glover – It Is You (I Have Loved)

***

Abby woke up and found that she had been sleeping on the couch. Slightly disorientated, she sat up and felt a painful crick in her neck. Rubbing it, she got up and went to the bathroom to wash her face and clean herself up before starting her shift. She switched on the cold water tap and splashed her face with the cold water, which woke her startlingly. She glanced at herself in the mirror and found that her face was blotched from crying herself to sleep. She started the daily cleansing routine, hoping that Luka had gone to work already. Glancing at the mirror again whilst brushing her teeth, she found she had company. Luka was leaning at an angle on the doorjamb, watching her intently. She concentrated on her brushing – brush, spit, brush, spit. Then she finished, but she didn't turn around. Instead, she looked at him in the mirror. 

"Good morning."

"Morning." She replied, voice coarse.

"Good night's sleep?"

"Okay." She said, choosing to neglect telling him that she had a painful crick in her neck that just wouldn't go away. "What about you?"

"Well, it was kinda lonely, kinda cold." They stood, she facing the reflection in the mirror, he facing her back. They stared at each other, with alarming levels of varying intensity. 

"Where were you?"

"I-I was with my mom for a while."

"Oh. What did you do that took you all night?"

"We partied, we hired strippers, we did those mother-daughter bonding activities you read about." 

"I mean really. Don't feel you have to lie on my behalf." He shot at her. She ignored it. 

"Don't you have to get to work?" He glanced at his watch. 

"No. I'm doing a late today."

"Late? What's the time?"

"9-ish."

"Oh god. I gotta go, I'm meant to be there already…" She speed showered, dressed and hurried out the door, only sparing time to grab her keys and her coat. 

"See you later, I love…" Luka gave up as she disappeared out the door. 

***

Abby jumped out of her car and ran inside. Weaver was going to kill her. Oh please, don't let me meet her, she thought, stuffing her stuff into her locker. Just as she had finished tying up her hair and was just about to open the door, Kerry Weaver opened it for her. 

"Where the hell have you been?"

"I-"

"Whatever. We need you now, we're low on beds and there are gunshot victims everywhere. Go on, get out there." Abby hurriedly got out and was immediately met by the chaos that she had been told about. Carter rushed by with a patient, heading towards trauma 1. Amongst all the yelling, he managed to call,

"Where've you been?" Then he turned into trauma 1 and she joined the next patient with Malucci and Benton. 

"Abby," Benton roared, "Get me 3 pints O neg.!" Rushing about, she got the blood and set it up, glad that she didn't have the job of having to try and save the man's life. God, it must be hard as a doctor. 

***

After the hospital had calmed the flow of patients coming in, Abby leaned on the side of the reception desk, head resting in her arms, trying to rest a little. Finally deciding that she needed a break, she went to get her coat from her locker, and started out the hospital towards Doc Magoo's to get a proper coffee and then to sit on 'her' bench by the river. Holding the coffee and sipping at it's scalding temperature, she sat on the bench, looking out at the river, watching busy lives pass by. She breathed in the cool air, mixed with her hot coffee, the heat rising into her face, warming her, but only on the outside. Her mind was running through all the events of the day so far, contemplating on her conversation with Luka, the deaths, her life, her job as a nurse. She knew that things had been getting worse between her and Luka, but not sleeping in the same bed? Something was completely wrong there. She couldn't help but think that maybe Luka wasn't the one, maybe he didn't love her. She didn't even know if she loved him anymore. It wasn't only him – it was the whole question whether they had even had any love in the first place. She didn't completely blame Luka for this sudden failure in their relationship. It was her fault partly as well. She knew that he had secrets that he hadn't told her, but she had always thought that she would break down the defenses eventually, and they would be able to bear the pain together. But they were having communication problems. Even Abby hadn't told him things that she thought that eventually he would know, once they had finally decided to permanently be together. If they had decided to permanently be together. And another thing, Luka had offered to pay for everything that she couldn't afford, her tuition, when she was a bit short for money. 

She hadn't even decided if she wanted to go to med school. Sure, she had always wanted to be a doctor, but she wasn't so sure that she would make the cut. And seeing all those people dying, even in the hands of the best surgeons and doctors, she wasn't so sure that she could cope not being able to save all the lives she came across. She would always feel a burden of guilt, somewhere deep inside of her. The more she thought about it, the more she didn't want to go to med school. She was happy as a nurse…more like she was comfortable in the routine of a nurse. She didn't mind being in the background, as long as she didn't have to have the strenuous job of a being a doctor. No one minded anyway – she had a relationship with Luka, a close friendship with Carter, and a comfortable working relationship with everyone else. But. She could feel a 'but' coming. But her relationship with Luka was failing, her friendship with Carter had…had matured and even Maggie had told her she should get her life on track, and to go to med school. Abby knew she couldn't. Every hour of the day she worried about Maggie, so who knows what could happen whilst she was at med school. 

No one understood how Abby felt, no one could ever know what she had been through. But as she sipped her rapidly cooling coffee, all she could hear were Carter's words echoing in her brain – "So, you may have come here to be alone - but you're not." 

***

Luka lay back on the bed, body outstretched. When he had first come into this relationship, he hadn't thought that it would involve so much pain and heartache. He hadn't expected to find the troubles that Abby brought with her – the burdens she didn't want shared. It had all fallen into place, so quickly, so soon. There were times when everything felt right, when they talked, when they laughed, when they had acted like a proper couple, but those moments had only lasted precious few minutes, and Abby had closed up again. He wasn't saying that the whole thing was Abby's fault, he thought that it was his fault partly as well. He had kept his life shrouded in mystery, close to his heart, believing them to be secrets that should never surface, but it had brought everything further away from him. He knew that Abby sometimes lied to him, but he knew it was to keep her own life a secret from him – even he lied to her sometimes. Luka sighed. This relationship had too many secrets and not enough honesty. He wished that things would heal themselves, so that they could both settle more comfortably with each other's pasts. That wasn't going to happen unless both of them both put effort into it. Closing his eyes, Luka said aloud,

"Sometimes I wish that I had never fallen in love with you, Abby Lockhart." And it was true – Luka did love her. He didn't know how, he didn't exactly know why, but at some point along the way, Luka Kovac had fallen inexplicably in love with Abby Lockhart. 

***

Abby pulled back a few strands of hair behind her ear and wrinkled her nose upon smelling a foul odor pass her. She left the admin desk and was heading towards curtain 6, but paused for a moment. She was feeling one of those queasy moments again, when she thought that someone was watching her. She glanced around and chewed on her lip slightly. She could see that everyone was working. Putting it down to one of her stupid little gut twinges, she carried on down the corridor, when she thought she felt it again.

***

"Okay, I'll be back in a moment, you stay there." Carter said to the small girl sitting on the bed, who was swinging her legs back and forth, her parents at her side. Stepping out, he paused, watching Abby at the admin desk. He watched her as she pulled a few stray strands of hair behind her ear and wrinkled her nose slightly, obviously smelling something nasty. He watched her gather the documents she had in her arms and started down the corridor. He couldn't stop watching her. Everything she did, to him, was so natural, so…her. He could even see her thinking, and quickly turned away, just as Abby turned around, as if studying everyone. She turned around again, and Carter watched her once again. She's so beautiful, he thought, so vulnerable, so unaware. This time, he couldn't help but let his eyes linger on her just a while longer, even though he knew that she was going to turn at that moment, and find him looking at her. She did as he thought and their eyes met, startling Carter at the accusing look in her eye. He felt as if he was looking straight into her soul – he felt as if he was drowning. 

***

Abby turned and was mildly shocked to find Carter looking at her from across the hospital. Realization flooded through her, finally knowing that it had been Carter looking at her all those times. She sent him an accusing look, partly trying to hide herself from his penetrating gaze – she hadn't felt so bare and naked in her life. It was as if in one look, Carter could see all of her, her darkest secrets. She looked down for a moment, and glancing up again, she found that Carter was still watching her. This time, she looked, properly looked, deep into his chocolate brown eyes, and found something she had been trying to hide for such a long time. Trying to hide from herself. She saw want, she saw desire, she saw love. Worst of all, she saw that it was a reflection of her eyes that burned so brightly. She felt sick with realization, confused with whether she should be happy or unhappy. She knew that it would be a dangerous thing to look so deep, so far into Carter's eyes, and now she knew. She turned away, and started walking slowly to curtain 6. Usually, Carter could always lift up her day, with one 'hi' or a small smile, but today, he had probably ruined it. 

***

Carter stared straight back, and felt her wide brown eyes search his, seeking truth. She found it, and withdrew, breaking the connection. She looked dejected and ashamed as she turned and walked away. Carter had never felt so high and low at the same time. So she did like him. But she didn't want to – he could tell that by the look on her face. He felt bad for her – as if she wasn't troubled enough, but he couldn't help being excited. He turned away. 9 people dead and now this. All before lunch, as well. 

***

Abby yawned and pulled out her coat out of her locker, getting ready to get lunch. Pulling it on and stepping out of the hospital, she started towards Doc Magoo's once again. Ahead of her, she could see Carter's lean form just at the start of the road. To hell with it all, she thought, and picked up her pace to catch up with him, yelling his name. 

"John! Wait up!" He turned, and glanced at her, smirking at her panting figure.

"Did you ever do track when you were in high school?" Regaining her breath, she said,

"No. I wasn't the sporty type." 

"There's a lot of stuff I don't know about you, Abby Lockhart."

"You bet." Was all she said. 

"Lunch break?"

"Uh-huh."

"Doc Magoo's?"

"Sure." Getting inside, they took off their coats and sat down. They looked at the menus, which they both knew off by heart, having been there so many times, but they looked at it anyway, trying to hide the awkward pauses. After a while, a waitress wafted towards them and they gave their order, finally placing the menus on the table. 

"Abby?" John started, hesitantly. 

"Uh-huh." Suddenly she found the tablecloth fascinating and also found that the tablecloth had changed from what it had been in the morning. 

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." He started to fiddle with the edge of the menu. 

"Abby."

"Carter." They both said at the same time. They looked at each other, as if permitting the other to go first.

"Go on, Abby." Carter said aloud. She spoke, hesitating so that she stuttered.

"I-This may sound a little…paranoid, but…but, you know this morning? When we…saw each other for quite a while? Um, why?" Inwardly, he smiled at her hesitancy, but outwardly, he looked solemn. For a while, he looked straight into her eyes. He was sure she knew why, but she just didn't want to hear it. He could see her eyes pleading with him, saying, 'Lie to me.' He battled with himself and eventually said, 

"I-I was thinking how you would make a great doctor." It was a lame excuse, but it wasn't what Abby didn't want to hear. She rolled her eyes, relieved.

"You know, I don't even know if I want to be a doctor anymore…"

"What?!" Carter exclaimed loudly. Abby sat, shocked so much that she replied,

"Only-only kidding." 

Carter knew she was lying, but he didn't say anything further. Abby had known that Carter had been lying, but she was relieved that she hadn't heard the truth. But for lunch, they just wanted to sit there and eat, without anyone or anything troubling them. It didn't even matter if they lied. 

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A/N: This chapter has more dialogue than the first, tell me if you don't like it. I don't even know if this is gonna be a Luby or a Carby yet, so go mad on me. That person who said that it was unrealistic, could I say something to you? WHATEVER. If it's unrealistic, tell me how and why, not just, 'I don't like it, it's unrealistic.' Cos that so helps, right? Yeah. So, anyway, tell me which you would rather it be, a Luby, or a Carby?


	3. Letting Go

Only You ****

Only You

A/N: In this you might find some of the facts are the same as the actual episodes of ER, so, just bear with me. I liked the storyline, you see, sorry. This chapter's longer, so more quantity. I don't know how many chapters I'm gonna do before wrapping this up. I'm just gonna follow my typing hands, I guess. And don't ask why I put in that scene with 'Dr. Dave'. It's just different and I like to think he has some compassion somewhere inside him for his colleagues. Or maybe not. 

***

Chapter 3

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Letting Go

__

Sometimes it's better letting go this way

I'll always know down in my soul

We really had so far to go

I've given all I had to give

And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back

And I won't regret

Though it hurts like hell

Sozzi – Letting Go

***

Luka was walking up to Cook County Hospital, chewing on a donut, when he spotted a familiar woman carrying quite a few bags of luggage, also heading towards the hospital. Then he remembered that face – it was Abby's mom. He supposed that he should go and help her, so that's just what he did. 

"Hello, Mrs. Wyzenski." She turned.

"Oh, hello Luka. And it's Maggie. It feels so formal when you call me that." He shrugged.

"D'you need help with those?" He gestured towards the suitcases.

"Oh, okay, thank you." She said as he binned the rest of his donut and picked them up wordlessly. 

"Don't worry about it. Are you going on holiday? Quite a lot of luggage."

"Ah. Well, that's why I came here. I need to talk to Abby. Have you seen her?" 

"No." He replied truthfully. Upon reaching the reception desk, he decided to leave Maggie until Abby got there, so that he didn't find out anything that Abby didn't know already. Besides, he didn't want to intrude on family business. He turned towards Maggie. 

"Uh, see you around, Mrs…"

"Maggie."

"…Maggie. I gotta work now, but I'll send Abby this way if I see her." He retreated round a corner, and Maggie tentatively asked for Abby at the reception desk. 

"What, ya mean Abby Lockhart? You're her mom, right? Okay…why don't you sit on the chairs over there?" She nodded, and dragged her stuff towards a chair and sat down. She looked around cautiously – she really didn't like hospitals. In fact, she didn't even know why Abby wanted to work in a place like it, but if it was what Abby wanted to do, then she would try to support her as much as possible. As if it was working. Recently, she had noticed a change in Abby, a more 'giving up' attitude towards everything. She wasn't even that excited whenever Maggie talked to her about med school and becoming a doctor. She was more reticent and more relenting whenever Maggie felt like doing something. Abby wasn't the only one who worried. She was so enraptured in her own thoughts, that she only just heard someone calling her name.

"Maggie?" Carter called incredulously. He swerved off his planned course and stopped flicking through the charts he was holding. "What are you doing here?" Then, eyeing her bags, he said, "Where are you going?"

"Oh, hello John." She said, nicely surprised. She found him so much more comfortable to talk to. "I'm waiting for Abby. I've got some important news." Eyeing the bags once again, he said,

"Right. You stay there, I'll go get her." 

"She's here?" 

"Yeah." He then turned away and walked away. 

***

Carter was pretty shocked. Maggie had never done this before. She had never showed up at the hospital whilst Abby was working. He put it down to just something really important. He walked into a room and just as he thought, saw Abby on a patient. 

"Abby?" She turned irritably, until she saw it was Carter, and turned away, giving the patient an apologetic smile. 

"Excuse me for a moment." 

Stepping out, she asked him what was going on.

"It better not be something personal, Carter." He looked straight at her, and she closed her eyes, laughing exasperatingly. When she opened them again, she sighed.

"It's my mom, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"God. I don't need this right now." She moaned, running a hand through her hair. "You know what Carter, I haven't got time for this, tell her I'll phone her back, I've got a patient right now." She turned, and started to push open the door, when Carter said,

"But she's not on the phone, she's here."

"What?!" Abby almost choked. "She never comes when I'm working!" 

"That's why I think you should go see her – she's got a few bags of luggage too. I'm thinking that she's probably leaving Chicago." Abby laughed dryly. 

"Yeah, on holiday, right? Okay, where is she?"

"Reception." She chewed on her lip.

"Right. Um, Carter, could you do a favor? Could you get another nurse onto this patient? He's called Mr. Von Duke and he's got a fractured wrist, whilst um…in bed, doing something he wouldn't reveal. Even to me. I tried the intimidation thing – 'I'm a nurse, and this is a hospital. We need to know what you were doing, or we can't treat you. I can get a doctor to verify this, you know.' He just said, 'You're treating me now, though.'" Carter laughed. "Yeah. So, could you do that for me?" She muttered, thinking that Carter wouldn't hear her,

"You would be doing me a really huge favor." But, Carter's keen ears caught it, and he asked,

"Why so huge? That means you owe me big time." Looking through the window at Mr. Von Duke, who cheerily waved at her, she sighed. As if her mom showing up wasn't irritating enough. 

"He likes me. He keeps on coming on to me, with not so subtle hints." Carter laughed. 

"What guy wouldn't like you, Abby?" Abby sparked to attention, after hearing this, and kept it in the back of her mind, where most of Carter's strange comments were stored. But he carried on, not noticing – "You're…"

"Something else? Beautiful? Witty? A genius?" Abby offered solemnly. He shook it away, despite him thinking it was very accurate.

"Nah, you're a homewrecker. Guys can't keep away. Under our cold exterior, a warm heart beats and bleeds for you only. Some of us break out though, a bit like him." He jerked a thumb in Mr Vont Duke's direction. They both grinned for a moment, sharing the same understanding and appreciation for their teasing banter. 

"Okay, that sounds like something out of a porn movie. The pickup line, maybe? So. Go get someone male. I doubt he can come onto anything male if he came on to me right?"  
"Some weird people out there, Abby. Now go on, don't keep your mom waiting. If Weaver catches you, you're dead, though." He placed his hand on the small of her back, sort of pushing her in the direction of the reception.

"Thanks for the warning." She turned away and put her hands in her pockets, heading towards the reception, sighing. Carter watched her walk away, sighing himself. 

***

"Hey, mom." Abby said as she approached Maggie from behind. Maggie turned around, and her eyes lighted up.

"Hey, Abby!" Abby looked upwards, as if wishing why she had to go through this every time.

"Mom, don't 'hey, Abby!' me. What are you doing here? You know how important it is for me not to have personal visits right? It could get me fired." Maggie looked down.

"I-I know, and I'm sorry, Abby, but I have to tell you this. I'm leaving Chicago. I'm going home." Abby looked incredulously at her.

"Home? You mean California?"

"No, Abby, home, home. Minnesota, Minneapolis, home." Abby put a hand on her forehead. 

"Minneapolis. Mom, you haven't been there in what, two years? What exactly are you going to do there? Play happy families – with yourself?" Maggie looked as tired as Abby felt.

"I want to start over Abby, I don't want to be in your way here, in Chicago, I want to be able to know I can look after myself. I'm an adult, Abby."

"Yeah, but you haven't proved to be a very responsible one in the past have you?"

"That's why I want to start over Abby. The neighbors over there'll take care of me if I need them." Abby shook her head, her hands on her hips.

"So. When exactly did you plan this?"

"Well, I had a few counseling sessions with Dr. Legaspi, and, I decided this is the right thing for me to do."

"Oh right, and you couldn't even get the guts to tell me until today, right? The day you're leaving. Well, that's just great. You tell Dr. Legaspi, before you tell your own daughter. The lord knows all I need right now is my very own drama." Maggie started to stand up, her eyes searching, pleading for understanding within them.

"Abby, I-" Abby closed her eyes and put her hand up, halting Maggie's desperate explanation. 

"Look, I don't need this right now. I'm at work. How are you going to get there?"

"I'm driving."

"You, driving?"

"Abby, I'm not taking the plane, and I'm not taking a coach, so it's got to be a car." 

"That or a motorcycle." Abby's face seemed conflicting, and then, certain, she announced, "I'm taking you, mom."

"What? No Abby, if I want to start over, I want to go by-"

"Yourself. Right. Mom, tell me one thing. I have looked after you for most of my life. I have worried about you for even longer. I think I should do this. I know I should do this." Abby then looked at her mom, and turned away, but there was no mistaking the grief and anger that pained her so much. She started to walk away.

"Abby, wait!"

"We'll talk later mom. After work." Abby called over her shoulder. Maggie stopped and looked at the retreating figure of Abby. Once again, Abby had found a way of stopping Maggie's resolutions. 

***

Abby walked away from Maggie. Her face was of annoyance and disbelief, but mostly of perplexity. She knew her mom had to go her own way, had to look after herself, but Abby couldn't bring herself to let go. As far as she knew, she believed she could never let go. She ran a hand through her hair. She was heading towards the toilets, when Malucci caught up with her and stopped her. 

"Hey, Abby."

"Heey, Dr. Dave." She said scathingly. "What do you want?"

"You okay?"

"Just peachy."

"Really?"

"What do you care?"

"You know, just before hand, I wanna know if you're mad, cos working with you when you're mad is really infuriating, you know?"

"Am I hearing this right? _I'm_ infuriating? You're kidding. Sounds like someone I know." Abby carried on towards the toilets. 

"So you're not okay?" He persisted.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I just wanna know if you're okay."

"I told you, I'm fine. Malucci, why are you not being an idiot at the moment? I'm scared." Then she said, "Did I just use the words 'Malucci' and 'idiot' without using the words 'is an' in-between? Wow." He looked annoyed and then persisted again,

"Are you okay?" She pushed open the toilet doors, and walking in, she said,

"No." Which left Malucci standing outside the toilets wondering why exactly he had persisted for an answer. 

***

Throughout the whole morning, Abby worked persistently and excruciatingly fast, dashing about here and there. She was trying not to think about anything that had happened that morning. Namely her mom. It wasn't until lunchtime that she slowed down and allowed space for herself to think. She was heading towards the green bench by the river, when Luka stopped her. 

"Lunch with me?" Abby looked at him. She would have said yes, and she appreciated the effort he was using, trying to mend the rift between them, but now wasn't the best of times to talk about their relationship. She needed time to let Maggie's information sink in. She had heard it all clear enough, but she hadn't really thought about it – she had protested more. So she told him the truth.

"Luka, I really would, but right now, I want to be by myself, I need to think." His face hardened, if only a little, but she could see the change. 

"I see."

"No Luka, you don't. It's not about you, it's about my mom, okay?"

"Your mom?" He looked puzzled for a while, then remembering, "Oh yeah, this morning right?" 

"Yeah." Abby looked confused with how he knew, but she guessed news traveled quickly in the ER. Darn Malucci. "She-she told me she wants to go home."

"California?"

"No, Minneapolis." 

"Wow."

"Yeah, that's what I thought too. And then I told her I was going to take her."

"What? Abby, you don't need to take her, you need to be here. You don't need another road trip."

"Oklahoma was not a road trip." Luka looked skeptical. "Whatever. So, I'm not eating lunch with you because I have thinking to do. About my mom." 

"I understand. But I don't see why you have to go with her."

"Nor do I. Maybe next time."

"What?"

"Lunch."

"Yeah. Next time. But Abby, I still don't-"

"See you Luka." Then she turned away and went to eat a solitary lunch.

***

Abby was sitting on her bench, once again, chewing on her sandwich, and just thinking.

When her mom had told her she was leaving for home, Abby hadn't known why she wanted her mom to stay in Chicago. There was nothing for Maggie in Chicago, apart from Abby. And Abby herself had even stated what a hindrance Maggie was, trying to commit suicide all the time, not taking her medicine, not being very responsible. Abby hadn't known why she had reacted so against the idea. Maggie was an adult – she was her mom. She wasn't meant to look after her mom. Her mom was meant to look after her, but since she could remember, it had been the former. Maybe that's why she found it so hard to let go. Maggie was the one thing she could feel as if she had some control over. Abby had no control over her life, her relationships, with Luka and Richard, had no control over the fact that her life was falling in pieces around her. All she had was her reliable mom, who would, at the wrong moment, try to kill herself, run away, lock herself away from social society. Abby laughed. It wasn't a laugh of joy – it was a laugh of exasperation. She was digging way too deep. It wasn't like she was a psychologist or anything. But, she thought shrewdly, some of the stuff is quite true. Thinking about it now, it did seem to all fall in place. But Abby wasn't so ready to condemn herself. It wasn't all her fault, and she knew that. It was just the way she coped with her mom. 

***

Cater was strolling along the river on his lunch break, after finishing his solitary lunch, and was heading towards the green bench that he and Abby usually sat on. And maybe he did have an ulterior motive. Not as if Abby would really suspect. It was common enough, meeting by the benches. If neither of them were found, they would probably be by those benches, but Abby didn't realize its significance for Carter. It was _their_ place. _Their _area, where Luka probably didn't even know about. Carter hated feeling so sentimental. It made him think of Lucy. But he would stop there. Lucy is gone, he told himself, and you can't do anything about it. Maybe he couldn't, but it always brought back painful memories. Always. 

He shook his head, looking down at the ground whilst he walked, and when he looked up, he spied the bench. He also spied Abby. He picked up his pace, and reached it within moments. She was too preoccupied with her thoughts to notice him. Then he remembered. It was probably about her mom. And she looked as if she didn't really need any company at the moment, but he figured she could use someone to talk to. He looked out on the river, leaning on the rail.

"So, what happened with Maggie this morning?" She looked up, knowing who it was already before she saw him.

"Carter." 

"Hey." Abby looked out at the river, its calm current washing over itself, folding sheet after sheet of water. Her brain felt as clear as the murky water. She didn't actually want to talk about it, she just couldn't be bothered to go over it again, but for Carter's sake, she said briefly,

"She wants to go home to Minneapolis."

"Today?"

"Originally, yeah, but I told her I was gonna take her. Guess we'll just have to go at the weekend." She frowned, "Damn. I was gonna…oh well. There she goes again. Wrecking my plans." 

"But why do you have to go?"

"Luka asked exactly the same question, you know."

"What did you say?"  
"I dodged the question. And you know why? Because I don't know." Carter simply looked at her, and she could feel the intense gaze burn into her, but she remained staring at the river. Then his gaze left her, and he looked towards the river too. 

"Why don't I go with you?" Abby blinked.

"What, again?"

"Yeah. I've got no plans on the weekend."

"You are one sad man, John Carter, but no."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Let's see, this whole thing with my mom is getting at Luka already, he sees the trip to Oklahoma a 'road trip', and another one with you would make it all worse."

"He going with you?"  
"No. My mom and me. Happy families, that kinda thing."

"Okay. I won't go." Abby's suspicions rose. He never gave in so easily.

"What are you thinking?" 

"I think that if you don't want me to go with you, I don't mind. It's your mom."

"Yeah, my crazy mom. Really, what were you thinking?" He grinned.

"Nothing that you would like." Abby rolled her eyes. She stood up and scrunched up her sandwich bag, with an empty coffee cup inside and dusted her trousers free of crumbs. So maybe thinking by herself hadn't shed any light, Carter had once again found a way – just being there – to cheer her up slightly. 

"Coming?" She said simply, and he turned, and in companionable silence, they walked back to work. 

***

After that, the day passed quickly, by Abby's judgement, and she was thankful she didn't have to attend Mr Vont Duke again. She was yawning as she left the ER, and realized that she had told her mom she would talk to her after work. She was unlocking her car in the staff car park, when Luka approached her. 

"Hey." He said easily.

"Hey."

"Going home?"

"No. I'm going to mom's."

"Why?"

"If I'm gonna go with her to Minneapolis, I think we have something to talk about."

"Abby, you didn't tell me before. Why do you have to go?" She hesitated for a moment.

"I don't know. I just…I don't know. It's too difficult to explain."

"Even to your boyfriend? Try me." She shook her head.

"You wouldn't understand." She could tell he was agitated by his reply, and she looked down, away from his eyes. He gently tilted her head up, so that her eyes were facing his, but his tone was harsh.

"How would I understand, when you don't give me a chance to?" Her eyes questioned his, wondering if he would ever understand, but if he hadn't before, why would he change now? She shook his hand away, and started to get into the car.

"Have you ever understood?" She closed the car door and put her key into ignition, switching on the engine, she drove away. She looked back, and saw Luka, watching her go. Luka stood there, her question echoing in his ears. _Have you ever understood?_

***

Abby rapped on her mom's door impatiently, looking down the corridor at the peeling wallpaper, the worn carpet. 

"Mom, open up!" She banged on the door. She waited for a little while longer, and Maggie opened the door. 

"Hello, Abby." She said weakly. Abby looked inside and sat down.

"Nice place." 

"I know it's not much, but it's enough. Do you want a coffee?"

"No. I came here to talk to you about Minneapolis, mom, so cut the small talk." Maggie sat down.

"So, what exactly do you want to talk about Abby?"

"Why don't you tell me? There seems to be so much I don't know. Because I wasn't there at your counseling sessions, remember?"

"Abby-"

"Why don't we start with why you want to go home. I mean, yeah, you want to explore your independence, right? So you got bored with trying to kill yourself? You know, for years, I have had to take care of you, wondering, and worrying. Wondering when you would next try to harm yourself, and if I would be able to stop it, whether I would have to watch you dying. And then, now, you expect me to let you go so easily, to forget it all, to let you live by yourself, miles away, so if you did try to harm yourself, I would definitely not be able to stop it. It's easy enough for you to adapt to the change. It's not like you've been doing much over the years. Mom, moving to Minneapolis will not change the past."

"Nor will dwelling o it Abby. I want to move forwards, not backwards."

"That is so clichéd. You want to move forwards – so you're going _back_ to Minneapolis. How can you expect me to be supportive? And even worse, you didn't consult me. You just thought, hey, I'm gonna go start my life over in Minneapolis, and didn't even tell me till today. Why-why is that?"

"Because I knew you wouldn't say yes. I knew you would condemn the idea from the beginning. And it's my choice."

"Yeah, it's always your choice. Always your choice to kill yourself, to run away, to cause a ruckus. But I'm the one who always has to clear up after you."

"I never asked you to." Maggie said quietly.

"No, you didn't, you just left it on me, just let me get on with it. Who else was going to try and help you get your life in line? When you go, don't you think that some amount of worry will stay with me forever, until the day you die? I can't help but worry – it was part of the bargain when I took care of you. And it's not that easy to let go and forget. Yet here you are, trying to lose it all, to lose your terrible past, your daughter."

"Abby, I never wanted to get away from you. Chicago holds too many memories, that I'm not ready to cope with, so I would rather run than fall."

"You would always rather run than fall. Have you ever thought that maybe you won't fall? That if you faced it, then you would stand. Isn't' that what you've been doing in your counseling sessions?"

"Yes. But, I figured that I wasn't ready to do that. I need to have everything to be stable around me first, to have something to fall on."

"I was always the one you fell on. What, am I not trustworthy enough?"

"No, Abby, I need to stand on my own two feet, I don't need you to be there all the time. You're young. You have your own life, your own boyfriend, your whole future ahead of you, and I don't want to stop your doctor ambitions. Without me, you'll do so much. I think that we would do so much better if I didn't have to lean on you, and you didn't have to hold me up." Abby nodded her head, in such a way that mocked Maggie, that it stung her to the core. Abby stood up.

"Right, mom. I'll see you at the weekend."

"Why the weekend?"

"Cos I'm not free any other time. You'll just have to wait, mom." Maggie didn't say anything as Abby left. The world was more screwed than she thought it was. Someone up there really did have a sick sense of humor. 

***

The days came and went for Abby, and before she knew it, the weekend had arrived. Everything still hung over her like a dark cloud, but she had the weekend to blow it all away. She rose early on the Saturday morning, and had already packed her bags. As she dressed, she watched Luka sleep. It was an amazing thing to watch someone sleep. Luka's eyelids fluttered every now and then, his mind in deep sleep, wafting along those pleasant fairytale dreams they all had. Everyone also had their nightmares. Everyone had their demons. Abby had already told Luka her plans, and was about to leave, when she felt like leaving him a note. He looked so unconcerned, so blissfully unaware, that something compelled her to leave him a note. On it, she simply wrote,_ Goodbye, Luka_. She didn't sign her name. She didn't even know why she had written it. If she was to leave a note, she should have written something like 'I love you'. But she hadn't. She walked over to his still form and leaned over and kissed him on his forehead, and then, watching him as if it were the last time she would ever see him, she went out with her bag and closed the door quietly behind her. As it closed, Luka's eyes opened slowly. 

***

Abby drove along the almost deserted roads, following her memory to get to Maggie's apartment. She slowed to a halt at the curb and waited for Maggie to come out. They had arranged for Maggie to come out when she saw Abby. So now, Abby just waited. She looked through the windscreen. She watched the sun rise, it's rays reflecting off the tacky pink painted buildings, but even the light found something good in the crumbling edifices. The pink walls became rose under the expanding light and the windows glinted in the sun's eyes. She knew it was going to be a beautiful day, which she hadn't experienced for a while. She felt as if she could sit all day and watch the sun. Out of the corner of her eye, she spied Maggie coming out of the building, carrying the same amount of bags she had seen the other day at the hospital. She dropped them into the boot and climbed into the passenger seat. She looked apologetic.

"Sorry I came out late. I was just captured by the sight of the sunrise. Isn't it beautiful?" For a moment, mother and daughter sat unified, watching the rays lengthen, touching as much of the land as possible. Then Abby gunned the engine, and pulled away from the curb.

"Yeah, it's beautiful."

***

It was well into the day, when they spied a sign saying that they had reached Minnesota. Abby had been driving non-stop on the highway, only stopping for gas. In turn, they had gotten far and it wouldn't be long before they reached Minneapolis. All the windows had been rolled down, letting the cool air sift in, whipping Abby's hair back, making her feel free, as if she had no certain direction, didn't have to actually know where she was going. She felt liberated. They had sat in silence for most of the way, only uttering things to each other when necessary. Neither minded.

"Minnesota. We're out of Wisconsin." Abby said, informing Maggie. Maggie just nodded. Abby drove on for a while, getting irritable with the everlasting silence. She switched on the radio and music came blaring out, immediately. That was better, she thought. 

**__**

Saturday morning alone and barely feeling

Sitting at home after rocking and a-reeling

All night in a cat fight

With the only one who can make me cry

As Abby carried on driving, she thought how true that would've been, if she had stayed with Luka for the weekend. Their conversations always exploded into arguments. And she always cried. She didn't know why, but his words cut at her, mocked at her. His words made her feel so small. She knew that he only lashed back out at her because something she had said evoked him, but she still felt so unwanted, so misunderstood.

**__**

Open the blinds and the world is in rotation

Shaking my mind like an Etch-a-Sketch erasing

Sunshine, you were bad, I'm

Still mad but I can't remember why

She was starting to not like the song. Though it had a happy tune to it, its words hid a darker truth. Abby hated songs she could relate to. Besides, she thought, at the moment I'm not with Luka. She switched off the radio. She didn't need to think about Luka at the moment. After a while, Maggie said,

"Good thing you switched the radio off. It was too loud and noisy." Abby nodded, indicating that she had heard. Maggie carried on, "Abby?"

"Mm-hmm."

"You were always pretty. Always ambitious. Always loved. When, when I'm in Minneapolis, and you're in Chicago, just remember that. You've got Luka, who loves you. I know you two are having problems, but someone would have to be blind not to see that he loves you." Abby chuckled dryly. "I love you, and maybe I haven't shown you examples, but I always have, and I never meant to put all of it on your shoulders. And Carter loves you too. Your friendship with him means so much to him. I can tell that." Abby kept quiet. "Don't turn them away, Abby. Don't turn me away. Confide in them, and just remember, whatever you say can change their lives completely. We're all so fragile." Maggie sighed and looked away. Abby glanced at her mom's, tired, weary face, the apology coming out, hidden after years of pain. Abby thought it had sounded too planned, too acted, but something told her that this situation was all very real, and the apology had come from her heart. Abby turned her head onto the road.

"I love you, too, mom." Maggie, not looking at Abby, knew that she had been forgiven, and smiled with genuine happiness.

***

After a whole day of driving, four gas stops and one food stop, they had finally reached Minneapolis. Abby climbed out the car and helped her mom with her luggage. She couldn't keep her eyes away from the house. She hadn't been there for so long, it felt so strange, yet familiar. They climbed up the stairs onto the open porch, and laid Maggie's stuff onto the old rickety swinging bench. Tearing her eyes away from the house, Abby glanced around, and saw identical houses all around, just as she had remembered them. Then Abby and Maggie looked at each other. It was the long awaited, but dreaded goodbye scene. They didn't say anything, but Maggie handed her the phone number and address for the house. Abby felt uncomfortable. She had to say something.

"So. I'll see you mom." Maggie looked at her with undefined pain.

"Yeah. Have a good trip back to Chicago." Abby looked down for a moment.

"I will. I'll call later." Neither of them could bring themselves to say goodbye. They stood, and smiled at each other, until Abby hugged her mom. For years, the estranged mother and daughter hadn't hugged. Maggie could feel her eyes watering.

"I'll miss you." She whispered.

"Me too." Abby whispered back. And for a while, they stood hugging, compensating for the lost years that had flown by so quickly. Maggie was starting over, becoming independent once again. And Abby? Abby was starting to let go. 

************************************************************************

A/N: Like? I'm pleased with the outcome. This was all about Abby and her mom, though, not L/A or C/A, problems. Not yet! :-) 


	4. Nothing To Lose

Only You ****

Only You

***

Chapter 4

****

Nothing To Lose

__

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know

I'm running and not quite sure where to go

I don't know what I'm diving into

Just hanging by a moment with you

Lifehouse – Hanging By a Moment

***

Abby yawned as she pulled into a small diner on the side of the highway on the way back to Chicago. She was still only in Wisconsin, and figured she could either drive through the night or stay at a motel for the night. She opted for the motel. She was too emotionally wasted to drive through the night on cups of coffee. As she went inside and sat by the window overlooking the highway, she sipped a cup of coffee. When she went home, she decided she would go straight to sleep. She felt too tired to do anything else. 

She was sitting there drinking her coffee, when suddenly, thoughts of Carter popped up. A smile played on her lips as she thought of a funny joke that Carter had told her ages ago. She imagined his face, his laid-back attitude, his sweet smile, his deep brown eyes and his soft hair. His soft hair? She frowned. What was she doing daydreaming about Carter? She sat back and looked out the window, thinking, _Luka, Luka, Luka_. Strangely, his name didn't make a smile hover around her lips. 

***

Carter paid the cashier money for his purchases in the convenience store opposite the diner and started out to the car, when he saw the whole reason of his 'trip' in the opposite window, sipping a coffee and smiling to herself. He told the cashier to keep the change and headed out to the diner opposite, telling the guy in the car to wait. 

***

Abby couldn't help it. Her thoughts had drifted back to Carter again, but this time, she didn't push them away. It wasn't like anyone was going to know, anyway. And once again, a smile curled on the corner of her mouth. Someone tapped her on her shoulder and she thought it was a waitress, but when she turned around, she nearly spat out her coffee in shock.

"Carter?" He smiled.

"Hey." 

"What-what are you doing here?" He grinned and slid into the booth opposite her. 

"I just wanted to see if you were all right, you know, with your mom and everything, so I sort of went this way. There was a huge risk that I'd miss you, but I came anyway. In a borrowed car. That would be Mike out there, he owed me a favor." He turned and pointed to an old car. "It's kinda rusty, and slow, but it works. So, are you okay? I hope you don't mind me doing this, because I was just…kind of worried…" Abby shook her head, no, she didn't really mind. "So, what happened to make you look so smiley just now?" Her eyes were still registering the shock, but her complexion was recovering quickly. Her cheeks actually had a slight pink twinge to them. If Carter hadn't known any better, he'd say she was blushing. Which she was. 

"What is this 20 questions, or something?"

"No. Just wondering if you'd like to share it with me if it was a funny joke."

"Oh. Um, just something." She said vaguely. Somehow, Carter picked up that it was something private, and he dropped it. 

"So…" Carter struggled with something to ask. "Are you okay?" She smiled, now scared to find the real reason why he was there. 

"You said that twice. It went fine." She looked away for a moment. "So, why did you come out here? It can't _just've_ been me that you came all this way." He smiled.

"Yeah, actually I came all this way, just for you." It was his turn to look away now, slightly embarrassed. 

"Well, it was nice to think about me. I don't know what you're gonna do now, cos I'm gonna stay overnight in Wisconsin and keep on driving from tomorrow, at dawn. What about you?" He shrugged.

"Well, I figured we'd go back once I saw you, and I made sure you were okay." He wanted to ask her if he could stay with her, but he kept his tongue back. It was her choice. She looked indecisive, before asking,

"Hey, you know, maybe you can come back with me, I don't think that car looks safe. It's the least I can do for you. You know, coming all the way out here and everything."

"And everything? Well, okay." Carter said, as if the thought hadn't crossed his mind. He stood up, and said, "I'll be back after I've talked to Mike, out there." Carter went outside, to inform his friend, and Abby closed her eyes. There was no going back now. If Luka found out, he wouldn't be happy. Then she thought, _screw Luka. He didn't come on all the way out here, like Carter did. Luka will see what I did was just helping someone who needed help. And it was Carter – he would have to understand. _Well she hoped so, anyway.

***

Finishing her coffee, Abby went out to her car and waited for Carter. She rubbed her eyes and started to get into the driver's seat, when Carter took one look at her and asked,

"Hey, why don't I drive? You look way too tired."

"Oh, you can tell? By the bags under my eyes, or the fact I'm yawning?" She shook a hand, apologetically and started to walk round to the passenger side. "I get cranky when I'm tired. You might as well drive. I think I might just drop dead on the wheel." 

Carter drove for a while, before reaching a motel that actually had two beds in a room without it being for a married couple. They got a room, and Abby basically collapsed on her bed, and then decided to phone Luka. She didn't shut the door, which separated her from Carter. She picked up the phone and dialed in the number, and Luka picked up.

"Hello? Luka?"

"Abby? Hi."

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"Um…okay. Maggie's settling in now. I'm in Wisconsin, and I'm gonna stay the night, okay? There's not long to go, but I don't feel like driving through the night, I'm too tired. I'll be back some time later tomorrow, I think. We might be back before lunch, maybe."

"We?"

"Ah." She glanced at Carter, who was changing, and she shut the door with her foot. "Well, 'we' would be Carter and me."

"Carter." Luka repeated the word, each syllable said in a monotone voice. Abby wound her finger round the phone cord, nervously.

"It wasn't planned, we just sort of…met." She didn't tell him that Carter had gone out there for her. She didn't want to get Carter in trouble.

"Right."

"It doesn't matter, really. I'm just giving him a ride back to Chicago with me."

"Okay." Luka was trying to sound indifferent, and it worked. 

"So…I just called to say I'll be back sometime tomorrow."

"Okay." 

"Bye."

"Bye." And Luka put down the phone. She lay back on her bed, telling herself that he would've told her he loved her, if she had first. She closed her eyes. Did she love Luka? She didn't know. Did she love Carter? She listened to him brushing his teeth. She didn't know. She opened her eyes, feeling them widen, startled. The answer was meant to be no.

***

Carter could hear Abby on the phone to Luka. He brushed his teeth, but by then, the conversation had finished. He was starting to think that it had been a bad idea to go searching for Abby. But he couldn't help it – he needed to be within close proximity to her. Being away from her now was an almost unbearable thought. But being near her all the time was sounding like the job of a boyfriend. Well, it was too late to go back now, anyway. 

***

Abby woke up the next morning, early, and started to wash. After finishing, she peered out the window and watched the sun rise. Even in the room, she could feel the heat. She pulled on a t-shirt and light-colored trousers, and squashed all her stuff back into her bag, ready to go. It was only when she came out her room, she realized that Carter was still asleep. She sighed and walked into his room. He was sleeping and looked so…so…peaceful. It was difficult for her to put her heart into words. Her heart fluttered at seeing him sleep. She looked up despairingly at the powers-that-be, realizing she would have to wake him. But she didn't want to touch him. She was too scared to feel his bare skin, to feel the electrifying feeling she felt if she brushed her arm against his. She leaned close and called him.

"Carter!" He carried on sleeping. She leaned even closer, so close that she could kiss him if she wanted. Which she didn't, she reprimanded herself. 

"Carter! Wake up!" He stirred a little, but still remained still. She sighed. It looked like she would have to shake him awake, which she was trying to avoid. She put aside her bag and placed her hands on his shoulders, and shook him.

"Carter! WAKE UP! We gotta get going!" He stirred and tried to sit up.

"What's going on?" he asked, still pretty much asleep. She pulled back his curtains.

"Wakey wakey, sleeping beauty." She switched on his radio, which was screaming out a bright, happy song. Unfortunately for him. He sat up and shaded his eyes from the sunlight that streamed in, and winced at the noise level of the music. And groaned when he saw Abby. 

"No person should be subject to such a cruel awakening and the pains of having to listen to AM radio now."

"Good for the soul." She said, trying to sound as chirpy and annoying as possible to get him to get up. He lay back down.

"Next time, please, wake me up more gently. I think I've got whiplash." She grinned. 

"Hopefully, I won't be in a position to need to wake you up, next time. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your maid, and I don't sleep with you." She immediately regretted saying the words, because she felt uncomfortable with them, but she saw that Carter hadn't shown any sign of comprehension. He just lay there and shaded his eyes. She decided it would be a good time to leave.

***

Carter heard her leave the room and shut the door behind her, as the situation became unbearable to her. He smiled and thought, _was the situation unbearable or the thought of seeing me like this in the morning?_ He sat up and stopped shading his eyes, blinking to adjust to the bright light streaming in. He started to get ready with the pace of a retarded chicken. That's lost its feet. But he did it with all the energy he could muster. He smiled. Strange how Abby could make mornings look like the most wonderful thing by just waking him up.

***

When he came out, dressed and ready to go, she was watching the clock. 

"Finally. God, you take longer than me." He grinned as they headed out the door.

"Why do you want to leave so early?"

"I wanna get back to Chicago-"

"And back to Luka." Carter said, thinking that was what she was going to say.

"No. I just want to eat breakfast." She said, in a strange voice. 

"Didn't know you had an appetite in the morning." She didn't say anything in reply. As they ate breakfast in silence, he noticed she didn't actually eat very much. 

***

**__**

And I never thought I'd feel this way

The way I feel about you

As soon as I wake up 

Every night every day

I know that it's you that I need to take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

Carter had switched on the radio and immediately regretted it. He switched it off again. He hated songs he could relate to. Abby looked at him curiously.

"Don't like the song?" Carter shook his head.

"Is it okay if I switch it back on? I'll change the station." He shrugged. She reached over his leg and switched it on again. 

**__**

She's a goddess on a highway

A goddess in a car

A goddess going faster 

Than she's ever gone before

They listened in silence, but Abby laughed suddenly. 

"What?" Carter asked, sparing a glance at her. Abby looked over the window, which was rolled down to it's lowest, and let the air wash over her face, keeping her cool in the stuffy interior of the car. She closed her eyes and lay her head back, enjoying the feeling of the air, which chilled her through to the bone, blowing against her arms, face and neck.

"Nothing. Just that I find it strange that when you're listening to a song at a certain time, you can relate to it."

"So you're feeling like a goddess on a highway." He said, in an understanding way. To him, she _was_ a goddess on the highway.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"I get what you mean. It's like the song was made for your situation." She turned to him.

"Okay, spill, who were you thinking of that made you feel uncomfortable when that song came on?" He looked uncomfortable now.

"Who said I was feeling uncomfortable?" She smiled.

"Who was it you thought of? You and…who? Please don't tell me you're not over Rena." Carter grinned, though completely serious, guessing she would think that he was joking,

"Maybe I'm not over you." She smiled, mistaking it for a suggestion to a past incident just as Carter had thought, and shot back,

"Knew it." Their gazes locked at that one moment, before Carter turned his eyes onto the road again. They sat silently for a while, once again, listening to the stereo.

"You know, Luka wouldn't have understood." She said suddenly. The rising sun shone onto the car, the rays beating down on their warm bodies, causing Abby's mouth to feel parched. Carter glanced at her and felt a lump in his throat. She looked so…carefree and unbound to anything. He turned his eyes onto the road again, but could feel his whole being aching to feel her skin against his. _What had I been thinking?_ He asked himself. He was putting himself through self-inflicted torture. Then his throat constricted when she mentioned Luka. Why couldn't they ever escape the subject of Luka? 

"Really?" He said in a non-committal voice. 

"D'you think Luka loves me?" Abby asked, out of the blue, not looking at Carter, but the road ahead. He glanced at her.

"I don't know." He said truthfully.

"Cos it's just like, you know, he acts so…different. To anyone I've ever known. He doesn't show any emotion. And it just…just drives me mad, you know? It's like I should know he loves me when he hasn't even said it, and then have to act completely devoid of emotion. It's so annoying." She paused, "And then he goes and thinks that my friendship with you threatens him, and I just tell him that we're really close, but he just…dismisses it. Like he doesn't care what I say…and it's so infuriating, you know?"

"Yeah, I do. Just a little _too_ well. This is about the phone call, isn't it?" Carter couldn't help saying it. At least he wasn't pouring his heart out. He was being restrained. She turned to look at him, twisting her whole body round, incredulously. 

"Well, yeah, but…I don't-what? What do you mean?" He glanced at her quickly, and could see fear written all over her face. He figured she knew what was coming, but wasn't prepared for it. _Well,_ he thought, _too late to back out now._ _Might as well go all the way, and admit how I feel. Nothing to lose. Apart from maybe the small matter of Abby. _He sighed.

"Abby, I'm tired of doing this, being your shoulder to cry on, being there whenever you need me to listen to your complaints about Luka." He glanced at her. "It may work for you, but it doesn't for me. It doesn't take a genius scientist to tell that I shouldn't be the one you go to whenever you have problems. And I don't want to have to tell you this every time it happens, because I don't want to be in the position where I have to. It gets uncomfortable. I'm not your – 'girlfriend', I'm not your 'maid', and I don't sleep with you." He said, repeating the words she had said earlier. "But Luka is your boyfriend, and he should be the one you run to. I shouldn't even be here. If anyone was to come, Luka should've. This trip, you know, we're not…not on a 'Thelma and Louise' road trip, here. I came because, because I-" He paused here, and Abby took the chance to butt in, her face mixed with fear and denial. 

"I don't…I don't understand-" But Carter carried on,

"Don't play dumb, Abby. Didn't you see it in my eyes, that other day? Can't you feel it, every time I brush past you? I'm always here Abby, because I care for you, and…it's gotten harder for me to cope with, it…drives me crazy. I feel like I've been stabbed every time you mention Luka. It's like you're reminding me that Luka is your boyfriend, and I'm not saying-"

"Carter-Carter, stop it. What exactly are you saying?" Abby said, her face confused. He didn't know if it was true confusion of a mask for her realization of his confession. 

"I just…don't want to be a benchwarmer, waiting for you and Luka to break up, you know? And I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka, but I can't help how I feel. And kills me to feel this way, but I do." 

"Carter, what-what do you mean?" But her voice was lost on the wind, as Carter speeded up and switched the music louder. She looked at him, his eyes completely focused on the road, not daring to look anywhere else, and she wanted to ask him so many questions, but she knew it would all be pointless. He had told her all there was to know. And as she let the realization of what he had just said seep into her, she felt even more confused than ever. Should she be happy? Angry? Accepting? In denial? Or loving him back?

************************************************************************

A/N: The song words in this do not belong to me, but to Madness 'It Must Be Love' and Mercury Rev 'Goddess On A Highway'. 

I forgot to put in the last chapter, chapter 3, the song 'playing' in the car was Semisonic 'Never You Mind'. I own none of them. 

Thanks everyone who's reviewed and hope you keep reading despite the problems recently on ff.net! Um. . .so, see you all next chapter, I guess!


	5. Somewhere In Between

h5

Only You

***

Chapter 5

****

Somewhere In Between

__

Oh so much for talking it's all been said before

I'm hearing something but wish you'd just say more

Don't tell me how to be cos I like some suffering

Don't ask me what I need I'm just fine here

Finding me

Vertical Horizon – Finding Me

***

Carter parked into a space in what was recognized as the 'nice' area of Chicago and got out the car silently. Abby did likewise. She leaned on the bonnet of the car while he got out, and lit a cigarette, taking a long drag. She glanced at her watch, which informed her that it was about 10:30. They were in Chicago, and she would be at her place soon, but she knew she'd have to drop Carter off at his apartment. So there they were.

Carter.

She closed her eyes and took another drag as she felt someone sit next to her on the bonnet. She didn't think that she could mention him without drinking a few shots of vodka first. But she hadn't drunk her last drink since…what, 5 years ago? Still…she figured it wouldn't really hurt at the moment, the way things were turning out. Abby rubbed her hands up and down the sides of her arms, feeling cold ever since they had reached Chicago. Abby glanced sideways at Carter and felt a wry smile tug at the corners of her lips. His hair was all over the place, and the sight of him pulled at her soul. If things weren't the way they were, she wouldn't feel so bad having the feelings she had. But as things were, it wasn't going to work. And wouldn't ever work. She shook her head to herself. What was going on? She had expected to lead her life as usual, dutiful, plain wallflower Abby. And she actually didn't mind that, not being the hero or the villain, she knew where she was. But now…she was going to have to hurt somebody. Well, that was what Carter had wanted when he had confessed, hadn't it? For something to happen, for her to choose. Either him or Luka. And she couldn't. She felt as if she was going to start to cry any minute. She didn't want this to happen, for everything to change. She had been comfortable where she was, she knew what was going on, felt she was in control.

But now she was losing a grip on it all, losing a hold, not knowing where she was or how she had gotten there. She was falling without a safety net. She smiled once again, wryly. Carter or Luka, Luka or Carter. The keen best friend who wanted more than friendship or the Croatian boyfriend who had problems that she couldn't heal. She frowned and twisted around to see what Carter was doing and found him looking at her. Not glaring, not wistfully, but so intense it felt like she was burning from the inside out and her heart was shattering into a million different pieces like glass, embedding themselves into her soul. 

And it hurt.

It hurt so bad, worse than those days when she woke up with a side-splitting migraine and believed that if by some miracle she did get through the day, would only drop down dead from an overdose of painkillers. His eyes didn't say anything, didn't shift, but she felt the pain, the undercurrent of ache for her, the need to bury his sorrows elsewhere than in drugs or alcohol. And that was when she realized that he was over his addiction, he was gonna be okay, and the only thing he craved was her. She saw in those deep brown eyes his world, which seemed to consist only of her, and realized that she held together his fragile world, held all the answers and cures for his pains. She looked away, unnerved. 

"Um, well. . .see ya Carter." She mumbled, and stubbed the cigarette out. She headed towards the driver's seat, when Carter reached for her wrist and caught it, stopping her.

"Abby." She turned, one fluid moment, startled. She felt his hand on her wrist and her heart accelerated, suddenly deciding to do a marathon at full sprint. She didn't dare bring her eyes to his face.

"Hmm?" She mumbled, eyes on the floor. He smiled, slightly amused at her agitation. 

"You're shaking." She pulled her hand away. 

"Mmm. Windy." He laughed dryly.

"Funny how the wind does that." 

"Yeah." Abby mumbled. Suddenly, all she wanted to do was to leave, to jump in the car and leave the whole mess – Chicago, Luka and the lord knew most of all Carter.

"Abby." Abby narrowed her eyes slightly, feeling her exasperation and irritation summit. 

"What Carter? What do you want me to say?" He turned serious.

"I want you to say that you feel the same way. That you feel the same way about me as I feel about you. I want you to choose _me_. And yes, I may be hoping for too much, but I can't help it. It's like every time I meet someone, I say, 'hey, I'm Carter, eternal optimist.'" Then Abby made the mistake of looking into his eyes. She could see him waiting, preparing himself for her next words, as if what she said could push him too far, could crush his heart. And now Abby worried. She now knew her power over him, knew that every word she uttered had the power to break him or to give him false hope. She swallowed. 

"Carter, I don't understand why everything has to change, why just being friends isn't enough for you. We were doing great as we were, Carter. I don't see why I have to choose between you and Luka. You're my friend, he's my boyfriend." He looked away, as if frustrated.

"You don't understand why? I'll tell you why, Abby." Abby looked up at him now, and realized just how close he was. "Because _I_ want to be the boyfriend. It's all because of you." He waved his arms around. "You have answers I need to know. I need to know why you come to me when Luka upsets you. I need to know why and how you can care for Luka. I know that Luka doesn't treat you like you should be treated. I need to know whether I can do better." Abby could feel the edges of her eyes starting to sting. But she was _not_ going to start crying. 

"Luka only gives what he gets. It's not his fault. I-I just can't seem to get through to him, and I won't let him get through to me. He doesn't need my problems on top of his. I don't want to trouble him like my mom troubled me."

"I get that Abby, but it's not about Luka, it's about _you_, what you need, what you want. Abby, you're the reason I'm here, why I came. You're the reason why I'm still at County. You're the reason why I'm not drowning my sorrows with alcohol. You're the reason why I'm not selling my life for some drugs. Abby," he said, shaking his head, "you know, I don't even think that I could be good enough for you." Abby opened her mouth, she wanted to speak, wanted to comfort him, wanted to say what he wanted to hear, but Carter stopped her. "Don't say anything Abby. Don't say a thing." Abby looked at her feet.

"Carter, how do you know if I've chosen or not?" Abby protested feebly. Carter barked a short laugh.

"Abby, it's clear that you haven't chosen, but I'm scared that you won't even consider me in this. That you'll just forget me. Go on as if nothing ever happened. That's the worst thing. I'm putting our friendship on the line for something that may or may not happen. I'm afraid that-that I've ruined this. I know I could have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't cope with this anymore. I was going crazy debating whether to tell you or not-" At this point, Abby interrupted,

"Exactly how long have you. . .had these feelings?" Carter looked awkwardly at his shoes and shrugged.

"I've managed to keep them in check for a long time. I'm just thinking now, that maybe I gave you a choice that you can't make. I mean, sometimes, I'm sure that Luka and me are the only things holding you up, you know? I'm holding up one side of you, and Luka's holding up the other side. He's the physical and I'm the emotional. But…I want to be both." Abby looked at him, slightly annoyed.

"Neither Luka or you 'hold me up'. I stand on my own two feet, Carter – it's always been me by myself. I never had a mom ever since I learnt what alcohol was. I needed a mom, and I got a woman with a problem. I needed more than myself, and I got nothing. I've been by myself all these years, and I've coped. Hell, maybe I didn't cope all too well, maybe I do have problems, but I have always been dependent on myself. I never asked for you to go with me to Oklahoma, and yes, sometimes you _can_ be my sunshine on a rainy day at work, I don't _ever_ depend on. . .on us." Abby closed her eyes. She knew the lies she spoke. She opened her eyes and saw Carter's face looking so dejected that she immediately regretted her words. His face became clouded.

"Abby, I of all people know how troubled you were by your mom, and I. . .I'm sorry. I can't say I empathize because I've never been in your position. I may have had my share of asshole parents, but not parents who've had a disease, a problem like Maggie. I know I could never cope as well as you did, but I know there are still wounds that haven't completely healed, and I want to help you through it. This may sound clichéd, but I really do care. I know you didn't ask me to go with you to Oklahoma, but I know you needed someone to go with you. And I think sometimes, if Luka doesn't know what you need, then how exactly would those wounds heal?" Carter shook his head and then ran a hand through his hair. They stood awkwardly facing each other for a moment, having run out of steam. The sun beat down on them, even beneath the shade of the wavering tree. They both looked at each other, and for the first time that morning saw the pain, anguish and confusion mirrored in each other's eyes. And the recognized the same need for the same thing. Abby could now feel his breath coming nearer, becoming shallower. Her stomach twisted and did somersaults with revelation of doubt and excitement fluttering through her. 

Their lips tenderly locked before either knew what was happening. Abby pushed away questions of doubt eating at her. _Why aren't you shocked, Abby? What are you doing, Abby? What if Luka finds out, Abby?_ But it didn't matter. 

She forgot the world. 

Carter held her close, hand on her back, pulling her in gently. Holding her gently. Kissing her gently. Carter felt lost, and wrong, but fulfilled. Things were different for the moment. They were nowhere near Luka. Not near County. Not near anywhere but each other.

At that precise moment, they knew that being there was exactly where they wanted to be.

They moved apart slowly, looking away from each other, all thoughts of responsibility, rationality and doubt flooding them like water floods the sea.

Abby chewed on her lip, nervously, not betraying as much anxiety as she really felt. _Oh shit. _Was what she was basically thinking, intertwined with thoughts of Luka and Carter and hell mixed together. Carter was feeling more at ease, musing over the kiss. _I think I love this woman._ And it was Carter who spoke first.

"So."

"So." Abby echoed, distantly.

"I'll see you at work." Abby nodded dumbly, and watched Carter move towards his apartment. Her legs wouldn't move, couldn't. Then Carter stopped, turned, and walked towards her. 

"Oh. . .and Abby," She turned to his voice like a flower to the sun. "Ask him. Ask _him_ if he loves you." His tone was tinged with slight bitterness, but his eyes were full of a sadness and craving that Abby could never quite believe she could quench. Once again, she felt the need to taste the bitter-sweet liquid that would saturate her parched mouth and set her free of this world. . .just a few drops of liquor. . .and she would be free of Carter's taste.

It lingered on her lips.

***

Abby turned her key in the lock and entered the apartment. It was quiet and she felt as if she were a criminal in her own home. She glanced at the note she had left Luka on the bedroom drawers, and it lay there, untouched, it's hurriedly scrawled words imprinted on her mind. _Goodbye Luka._ He was out, probably doing a shift, and probably hadn't even seen it. Then something inside her tore into two. Leaving a sore gape, which angered her to the point where she started to cry, dropping onto the carpeted floor. She had come back to reality, dropped into Chicago, where her and Carter kissing was wrong and where Luka was her boyfriend. She couldn't leave Luka, but she couldn't let chances with Carter go. She wanted both, but could only have one without the other. Then she cried and cried, but still didn't feel numb to the pain she was feeling. Nothing could stop it. Nothing except alcohol. But alcohol simply kept it at bay until you were feeling better and let all hell come crashing down.

But at least the pain stopped for a while. 

***

Luka yawned tiredly and glanced at the clock. It was like a miracle as he watched the minute hand tick onto 11:30. His 12-hour shift was finally over, but he moved his things around slowly. After all, what exactly did he have waiting for him when he went home? An empty bed? A secretive girlfriend? He shook his head laughing dryly. It was as much his fault as Abby's that they were regressing, but maybe neither of them could do anything about it. Maybe coming to America was a mistake. He gathered his things slowly and methodically, saying bye to a few people, before stepping out of the hospital, sighing and placing his hands in his pockets as he started to go home. 

***

Carter dropped his stuff onto the floor and collapsed onto his bed. Now would've been a good time to submit to the easiness and 'life is insignificant' attitude that drugs and liquor had brought him. It always ended this way. Things always went great until he managed to screw it up some way, for himself and the whole world while he was at it. And then he always beat himself up for it. For ruining his own life. For being such an idiot. But this time, Carter believed that the truth would come out anyway and better to tell her sooner than later, but another part of him felt weak and self-insecure. The part that nurtured his addictions, that needed the drugs, the part that thought – or knew – that he was always messing things up, that he was in a permanently 'loser' description. That giving Abby the choice, all or nothing, was selfish and wrong. His other side argued back that she had the right to know, and if he felt so strongly about her, so much as to believe he was in love, then he should admit to her how he felt or it would be selfish to keep it to himself. And there was another part of him where the hope was constantly fluttering to the top, putting itself out on a limb only to be pulled down and down again by despair and rejection of either someone else or his own condemning thoughts. And the futile cycle started, swinging back and forth in an oscillating manner like a pendulum on a battery with an infinite power supply. And it hardly ever ceased. But one of the times it did was when he was sleeping, which after a few moments or tossing, turning and over-analyzed thoughts and feelings, sleep stole over him, much to his relief.

***

Abby had cleaned herself up and started to unpack her stuff from her bag, when she heard a door close, and realizing it must've been Luka, she turned to face him. Even looking at him brought pangs of guilt flooding back to her as she remembered her brief kiss with Carter. What made it worse was that she could remember every little touch and wanted to. Wanted to kiss him again. When Luka was standing there in front of her. His eyes were cast down, tired and worn out. He looked up at her and tried a smile.

"Hey." She smiled back painfully, unable to conjure the simple words into a greeting. 

"Abby?" His eyes looked at her, penetrating her, searching, asking, worried. These were the moments with Luka that she would kill for. To know he felt something for her, even a scrap of concern. But these moments also made her weak, unguarded. And guilty. Abby couldn't load it onto him yet. She didn't feel strong enough to be able to hurt him.

"Are you okay? Not okay?" She smiled weakly.

"Somewhere in between. . .as usual." And they kissed. Swift, emotionless. An obligation. He drew away and looked at her again, but this time, his eyes once again guarded territory. He set his bag down and started to move around the kitchen, making some coffee, she presumed. 

"Coffee?" She smiled at his predictability. 

"Yeah, okay. Black, two sugars." She informed him.

"Sure." He called back. His accent filled the room, deep, mysterious, European. She tried to remind herself how lucky she was, how countless numbers of women would love to be in her position. Yeah, she thought dryly, until you found he hardly wanted to speak to you. Lucky, she tried again, lucky, lucky, lucky. She watched him make coffee, one for him, one for her. Watched him move around the kitchen, picking up two coffee cups, dropping in the coffee beans, waiting for the water to heat. 

And she found herself waiting. Waiting for him to ask how her trip had been. Whether she was okay with Maggie now. To inquire what exactly happened with Carter. To show some acknowledgement that she had been on an emotional trip. To sympathize, to console her – anything, even show jealousy or annoyance that she went without even running the idea past him. But nothing. Nothing. Then he turned, and she thought he was going to talk to her. 

"Coffee?" He offered her the cup he had made for her. She smiled wryly.

"Thanks."

***

When Luka had first come into the apartment, he could see Abby's defenses fly up, her eyes and body guarded and tense. He noticed something almost immediately, something different, as her face relaxed and looked away. The way her eyes painfully brought themselves to train on his face; the way she kissed him as if looking for something more. And he didn't want to admit what it may be. Guilt. Instead, he asked how she was. She wasn't looking too well and she was his girlfriend. He owed her concern at least. Then he started to make coffee, to try to make her feel better. All the while with his back to her. He could feel her eyes on him, following his every move. The silence was uncomfortable, and he felt awkward. It smothered him completely and could feel her expectancy for him to ask how she was again. Well, he had done that already, and she had given him a vague answer, so he figured she didn't want to talk. He stirred her coffee with a spoon and proffered it to her, and she took it, looking discontented with the swirling black caffeine. 

Or maybe with him.

***

"Luka?" Abby started, and felt sick as she uttered his name. As if she was unworthy. She held the coffee cup in her hand, the heat radiating so that it felt as if she were being burnt slowly. At that moment, she felt more than hollow. And that was because she knew she had to tell Luka what had happened. And why exactly she was going to break up with him.

"Luka?"

***

"I kissed Carter." 

Luka's face immediately furrowed into a frown, as if disbelieving, not wanting to know how true it was. Abby looked flustered and sad. Infinitely sad. At that moment, Luka felt sorry for making her feel that way, but he realized what he was doing. _He_ was the one who was meant to be angry, _he_ was the one who was meant to be upset, but instead, he felt a fighting calm inside him and sad. Though he could feel the anger tearing up his insides, causing him to feel as if he was going to retch any minute. Just the thought of Carter's lips on hers. . .it sickened him to no end. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. What was there to say? What could he do now?

"Why?" Was all he could think of saying. Not that he really wanted to know. She looked pretty relieved, but still tired and sad. She looked away, a faraway look in her eyes.

"I don't know." His jaw set.

"You tell me you kissed Carter and then you told me you don't know? Abby, at least have the decency to explain why. What he had that I didn't." She looked at him, suddenly infuriated. 

"Do you know how hard this is? Do you Luka? I didn't have to tell you, I could've hid this and pretend that this never happened. And you wouldn't have known all the same. Because I don't even think that something will ever happen between Carter and me. But at least I know when relationships are failing." Luka looked at her darkly.

"Yeah, you've had enough experience in that department." Abby looked at him, and felt her eyes stinging. She hadn't expected that. And from Luka, it hurt. She must love him more than she thought. 

"I-I. . .-" But before she could start to explain again, Luka cut in, his every word perfectly emphasized in his deep accent.

"Wake up, Abby! I've knew this relationship was coming apart at the seams-"

"Oh, you did? Well you never did anything about it did you?" Luka looked angry. 

"And what did you do Abby? Run to Carter? Yeah, that worked." Abby looked away defeated, and tried to protest again, but more quietly. 

"This is hurting me too, Luka."

"Yeah, I'm sure it is, but from my end, it's like getting stabbed in the gut three times over. It's not everyday I come home and my girlfriend tells me that she kissed the one guy I dislike more than anyone else I've known. I've never felt this. . .this. . ." Luka struggled to find a word other than 'hurt'. Because he had been hurt before. Much worse. By having to watch his family die. ". . .this. . .betrayed. I mean, you know your lines. You tell me, you explain, you leave. But I have no idea what my lines are meant to be. Angry, avenging, sad, defeated? Do I yell? Do I hate you? Do I break this thing off, nicely and neatly, or do we leave this break-up messy? And you know what Abby? I don't think I know what I should do." Tears were welling in Abby's eyes.

"I know sound like an asshole right now, but it hurts me to hurt you like this. But I think we never were the perfect couple." Then Carter's words came back to her; what he had told her to ask Luka. It was the only way to know. Luka was about to speak, retort a line, when she stopped him. 

"Do you love me, Luka?" He looked puzzled by the change of subject and answered,

"Hardly matters now." 

"Do you love me?" she asked again, forcefully. He looked at her then, his eyes saying it all and she felt like an assassin with a conscience. 

"Yes. I love you, Abby. Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? I love you. Even if the feelings aren't returned." Then he turned and left, a clean exit, stopping only to take his jacket and to put down the coffee. Cooling and untouched. 

Abby watched him go, rooted to the spot and felt powerless to stop him. She wanted to scream at his broad back, to yell out their differences, to properly break up, to call him back, to say sorry, to make it all okay again, but something else stopped her. Despite what she was feeling, somewhere within her knew that to leave him was the right thing to do. Her tears dropped into her coffee and could once again feel the scalding heat send pain searing throughout her hands, but anything was better than the loneliness. 

"Luka!" She wished he would turn, would forgive her. Kiss her with his warm European lips. Hold her safe with his eyes. 

But it was too late. 

************************************************************************

A/N: Done, finally. What do I need to do to get you to review?!!! Please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease review! 


	6. Leaving

Only You

Only You

***

Author's Notes: Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't written anything for very long – just threaten me with a camera and brussel sprouts and you'll get me going. ;-) And thanx to **all** the reviewers. Whether you praised me or pissed me off. You guys are so honest. Which is good. One thing I don't get. . .like, some carby reviewed chapter 5 and said that it was good except it was a luby. And then a luby reviewed and said it was good, although it was a carby. Now email me if you make sense of that okay? And, I think you all know that I have absolutely nada medical knowledge, so none of those parts will make any sense, and no one should ever believe that they could be true. Ever. So. . .um, hice una oferta buena hochedel ye. . .and major kudos to whoever figures out what that means!

***

Chapter 6

****

Leaving

__

Well I know I'll be alright if I just get on the road

If I can free my worried mind

Yeah I know the day I die I will lose my heavy load

Semisonic – If I Run

***

Abby frowned at the weather a she approached County. All she needed now was the weather reflecting her mood. I hate Mondays, she thought and wrapped her coat further around her. She felt so depressed. She'd screwed things with Luka and would probably screw things with Carter. But, she told herself, she should have expected it. Carter was. . .so many things. . .maybe everything. He understood her and he supported her – he never made her feel bad. He was funny and smart and cute. And he liked her. Maybe even loved her. Her best friend. . .and she was about to lose him. And Luka. He was the stuff of teenage daydreams, things that never came true – well, for Abby anyway. And here she was, torn, between the fantasy of Luka and the reality of Carter. And about to lose both if not lost already. Love certainly did taste bitter. 

***

Carter got out of his car and walked towards County's entrance. He was feeling pretty much like an idiot. He never should have said anything to Abby about how he felt. It wasn't fair to Abby. It wasn't fair to himself. Like he could mess his life up any more than it was. But, he said to himself mentally, being distracted with this all day wouldn't be fair to patients. But who was asking to be fair? Everyday he woke up. . .and everyday he was expected to be the guy who saved your life, the guy who put on your cast with a smiley face, the guy who was your doctor, the daily hero. And he couldn't cope with it anymore. Or wouldn't. He did not want to be a hero. He wanted to be a normal guy with a normal life with a normal house. And a girlfriend like Abby. The reason why he hadn't transferred to another hospital that paid better was because of Abby. Not any amount of money could make him feel like he was in euphoria every time Abby smiled at him, talked to him, laughed at him. And now he'd screwed the chances of ever seeing her smile at him again. Now he had a reason to leave. 

***

Luka crept back into the apartment, not wanting to wander across Abby. He looked at the surroundings with dark eyes, which hid the seams of his broken heart from showing. 

He had no idea how he would carry on working at County with Abby still there. He was almost certain he couldn't. 

***

"I'm want to leave." 

"Why?" Was Weaver's immediate response. 

"Because," Carter shoved transfer notes into her hands, "I believe I have no career prospects here. Because I've been at County for what, my whole 'career'? Change would be good. The reasons are all listed in there. I've already phoned North Western to see about a placement there." Weaver looked at him. Really looked.

"I'll look through these, Carter. But do you think you've put a lot of thought into this? Why don't you think it through a bit more? How much longer are you going to stay?"

"Till the end of my residency. I've been thinking it through for a while now. I wouldn't have told you this if I hadn't believed it was the right decision."

"Sure Carter. Sure. Why don't you-" She flicked through the notes, momentarily placing her eyes somewhere else and then finished, looking abruptly up at him again, "Why don't you consider your colleagues?" Carter laughed dryly.

"Oh, I think I can do without Malucci. Everyone else'll understand."

"Mm-hmm. And Abby?" Weaver had got him there. Carter frowned for a small moment, hesitating. 

"What about her?"

"You think about it Carter." 

"I have. I'm leaving."

"I guess it's your call. It's been nice working with you, John."

"I'm not leaving yet." Carter said mildly surprised.

"I know. But still." He nodded and then after a few moments of hesitation, he spoke certainly,

"I want my leaving to be. . .low key. I'll tell people when the time comes nearer – just keep it low key." She smiled nodding and then she moved away, obviously dismissing him. "I'll look through these." He turned, taking a last glance at her before walking away, thoughts of Abby toiling away in his mind. 

***

Abby was on a small break when her pager started to bleep. God, she thought, taking it out and reading it. An MVA was coming in, ETA 10 minutes, and Weaver wanted her to get on it. Gulping down the rest of her coffee quickly, she threw the polythene cup away and started towards the ambulance bay. 

***

Carter stood in the bay, waiting for the MVA coming in when he spotted Abby working her way towards him. He felt a sense of dread as she appeared beside him, and folded her arms awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Carter expected her to talk to him about their brief kiss and braced himself with his apology. 

"MVA?" But the words that came out her mouth were completely different. 

"Yeah." He replied quickly, sounding accidentally cut off and distant. Her eyes looked down and she said no more. And Carter wanted to hug her, to hold her in his arms and comfort her, to make her smile come flourishing onto her face for him. But he said nothing. And they just waited.

***

The MVA arrived and it all became a blur to Abby as they worked to save the woman knocked down by a car. But out of the corner of her eye, she could see Luka entering County and Carter glancing at her, sweetly worried at her sudden lack of focus. She turned her back on the sight of Luka and began to concentrate again, reassuring Carter that she was in focus and letting him do his job. 

***

Luka watched Abby in Trauma 1, her back to him. And he watched her hand knock accidentally against Carter's as they both worked in the same area of the poor woman's body. He watched how they glanced at each other, and could almost see their heartbeats increasing. He saw how Carter looked away and Abby gazed at him for a while longer before looking away also. 

-----

__

Sure it fazes me just to hear you laughing 

Makes me just a little crazy but I guess that's a great thing

If it makes you happy now

-----

And he hoped she had found what she wanted in Carter, before walking away. He hoped she was happy. 

***

Carter yawned as he sat down in the staff room. He stirred his coffee slowly, taking his time and closing his eyes.

"Hey, sleeping on the job Carter?" Carter's eyes opened lazily to a smiling familiarly bald-headed guy. 

"Hey Mark. I'm just resting my eyes for a moment."

"Yeah, that's what Malucci says every time you catch him napping." He laughed, moving towards the fridge. He pulled out milk and began to make a coffee. 

"So, what's up?" Carter took a drink of his coffee and turned towards Mark.

"Funny you should ask. I'm leaving." Mark turned abruptly.

"When? When did you decide this? Why are you leaving?" And then Abby walked in, about to utter a greeting to Mark after seeing him go in and stopped dead when she saw who he was talking to. 

"You're leaving?" She asked incredulously and hurt that he hadn't told her. Carter looked away from her crestfallen face. Mark kept quiet.

"Um, yeah. I'm leaving." 

"When were you going to tell me?" Carter looked at her, which was a mistake. She could read him like a book. "You weren't, were you? That's great, Carter. Just great. I'm your. . .your best friend! And you weren't even going to tell me? I don't need this-" Carter stood up and looked straight at her, both forgetting that Mark was still there. 

"That's the thing Abby – you never need it. Ever. But you'll get it whether you need it or not, because Abby, I'm leaving. And you'll just have to face that fact. And you can do it with Luka." He added the last part with slight bitterness, before leaving. Abby watched his coffee, still hot, still swirling and felt an enormous amount of déja vu. She raked a hand through her hair, reeling from Carter's words that managed to strike a chord that rung true. 

***

Carter couldn't believe how bad he felt just by that one look from Abby. Or not bad, just guilty. She had looked so hurt that he hadn't told her. And the reason why he felt bad was basically because of himself. If he had told her, she would have been okay and wouldn't have been so hurt and he wouldn't feel guilty. It was always his fault. But it would be okay. Soon he would be away, a different state, a different hospital, and no Abby. He would be able to leave it all behind, to start anew. And he would forget Abby. Well, that was what he wished could happen. But it was all idealistic and he could only hope for a miracle like that to happen. He could only hope.

************************************************************************

Okay, please review everyone! This is really short, but I had to cut it cos Will and Grace is on, sorry! I WILL write more next time and if I don't, you can all attack me with your socks, carrots or whatever okay? Cool. See you all next time!


	7. Please Stay

**Only You**

*** 

**Author's Notes**: Hey people! *ducks as potato missiles are thrown at me* You probably want to know where I've been for so goddam long, and why EXACTLY did I not post another chapter up sooner. The truth is that I was stumped by what I should do and I was busy creating my website, so I kinda left my project to be finished at a later date, but hey, here now! 

This is the last chapter (thank god) and I'll leave the thanks till the end cos there are a lot :) 

And I managed to smuggle in a bit of Dr. Dave for Hannah and cos we Ukers haven't seen season 8 ER yet, so he's not technically fired yet. 

So, sorry for delaying you. On with the last chapter. Hope you don't dislike it too terribly. 

[**BTW**: I really don't know why but ff.net decided to cut my story off, so I have to try again. . .and I changed my name cos my sister's hunting me, which sounds really weird but it's really, really hard to explain. Anyway, let's hope this works *fingers crossed*]

**Author's second edit**: I changed the ending a little bit because I felt it was lame, and rushed. Which it was. So there. And if you want to read the original edit, you can just email me for it allstar88uk@yahoo.co.uk, but it's not entirely different or anything. 

*** 

Chapter 7 

**Please Stay**

_While everybody else is winning   
You're stuck waiting for your new beginning   
So happiness is wherever you find it   
__You may be full of life's frustrations  
__But I'm up for negotiations   
My happiness is wherever I find it   
__And I wanna find it with you _

_- Verve Pipe 'Happiness Is' _

***

Carter yawned tiredly and walked out of County. Having to tell a family their only son had died just before finishing his 12-hour shift was, well, emotionally shattering. He didn't even _know the family, but just watching the mother wail hauntingly and the father breaking down at the sight of his son's bloodied body was near unbearable. But he shouldn't care because two weeks from now he would be out of this hellhole._

"Carter! Carter!" He didn't turn. He knew who it was, and he didn't feel like talking to her, of all people. He couldn't help it, but stirrings in his heart began to flutter, driving him to dizzying heights. If this was what happened to him when she was only near him, what would happen if he were ever able to hold her close? He felt a stirring of air beside him, as she appeared, breathless from trying to catch him up. She was wrapped deep in her coat and her eyes were opened innocently, as if she had forgotten the exchange between them the day before. She pulled her hair away from her face, which he knew she did when she was nervous.

"Hey." The emotionless greeting tore out from him painfully.

"So. . ." She faltered as they started to walk aimlessly away from County. "Long shift, huh?"

"Yeah, a few drunk minors, several suicidal cases gone wrong and an only son killed by some kind of mini-mafia. Yeah, pretty much a long shift." He said it slightly too harsh, so he softened his tone. "How about you?"

"I'm on a break." She paused and tried nonchalantly, "Well, you're going away soon, so it won't be as bad, I guess?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"When. . .when are you leaving?"

"In two weeks."

"I'm. . .I'm sorry I over-reacted yesterday. I mean, it's no big deal, right? Like you could live without me around." She laughed nervously, but instead of a flippant statement as she intended it to be, it came out as a question. Carter frowned.

"I think I could." Abby looked puzzled.

"You could?" He turned at her, looking at her beautifully confused face.

"No, Abby, don't . . .don't do this to me! When I told you how I felt, okay, I laid myself bare. And I told you we couldn't be friends anymore. And I meant it. Why do you think that I'm going away? My 'career prospects'? You know that's all bullshit. I have connections that could get me to the top in moments. I'm going because of you. I _love you. And you obviously don't feel the same way. Just one other way of screwing me up. And I'm tired of it Abby. I don't want it anymore. So what if everything I do screws me up? At least I'll be away from __you. I can't deal with having you around anymore. I can't cope with feeling like. . .like I'm taking a few dozen doses of drugs all at the same time. I can't cope with. . .with the withdrawal, I guess. Predicting, even knowing that you won't ever feel that for me."_

"But. . .why can't you stay? I need you, John, but-"

"As a friend. Abby, when I decided to leave, I walked away from 'us'. I walked away from ever hoping there would be an '_us'. I walked away from you. I walked away from loving you. I love you," He shook his head, "But what does that matter if you don't love me? Nothing is keeping me here, Abby. Look," He pointed at the sky almost irrationally now, "If the sky fell down right now, like I could give a fuck! I just tried to save a kid who got shot a few dozen times over. He didn't even have a chance to get to the OR. I couldn't help him. I call myself a doctor, wear this white coat but__ I still couldn't help him. It seems like nothing's worth living for at the moment. And maybe, maybe if I get away, maybe if I start anew, I'll find something. Something worth living for more than you."_

"But Carter-" She tried one last futile attempt as he walked away. He turned briefly only to answer,

"It was nice working with you, Abby." And then she let him go without a word.

***

After Carter had walked away, Abby had walked towards the bench they used to sit on together and talk about nothing and everything. She knew Carter loved her. She knew she loved Carter. But why wasn't she doing anything? Why was she in constant denial? Why?

Because, she told herself, I'm scared. And then there was the question 'scared of what?' She was scared of falling in love with Carter. Afraid because every time she fell in love, it never seemed to last. She was scared of hurting Carter, letting him believe in something that wasn't there. She was scared that she would wake up and find that none of it had ever happened, because Abby Wyzenski's life never ended with a happy ending. No one ever found Abby Wyzenski even remotely interesting. Or funny. Or pretty. She was scared about the way she felt every time Carter was with her. She was scared of getting hurt. Was he lying? Did he really love her? She was scared that her feelings were stronger than his – that being with him was risky. She was scared by the thought that someone could love someone like her. That someone could depend their whole world on her decisions. That someone could have so much belief in her. Did it hurt him as much as it hurt her?

And watching him say he loved her, saying that he had screwed things up _again, hurt her, because she knew it was really all her fault. If she had told him, if he knew she loved him as well, then he wouldn't think that he was so screwed. She just couldn't bring herself to tell him._

Abby had two sides fighting in her all the time. There was one side – monotonous Abby. Stay a nurse. Don't go back to med school, because being a nurse is fine, you're doing okay. Being a doctor would ensure 6 more years of hell and you didn't even know whether you could make the cut. Stay with Luka because he was nice. He may not really care about you, but hey, he was nice. And that was all. Put up with your mom, because you always had. Worry about her because no one else did.

And there was Abby's other side – the side that wanted to be the high-school prom queen, but never did get to because she was too unpopular. The Abby that knew that she loved Carter, not Luka, and actually wanted to do something about it. The Abby that would throw everything away for Carter because she really had fallen in deep. The Abby that had little to worry about because she didn't really give a fuck about the rest of the world. The Abby that had always wanted to become a doctor because it would mean saving lives, it would mean helping other people. The Abby that knew that she had fretted over her mom too many years overdue.

And at the moment, she knew she just had to be Abby. Both of her subconscious psyches together. And she knew she had to follow her heart and not care about anyone else. Because she had given all she could to impress people and she was tired of kissing ass. And because one of the most important things in her life was about to leave, and when he did, she wouldn't be the Abby she wanted to be.

***

Abby walked back into the ER, slightly refreshed by the outside air and tied her hair up neatly. Only another 4 hours. She moved toward the admin desk and flicked through a few charts, but eventually stopped because Malucci was chatting up a girl, presumably a patient. And the girl's flirtatious giggles were getting on her nerves.

"Dr. Dave, I need your help." Abby put on her most irritating, smiley face and looked at him, smirking. He finished talking to the girl after taking her number down and discharging her. It was a while before he turned to Abby.

"Yea?" And she slapped him over the head. He rubbed his head painfully.

"Ow! Who died and made you Xena?" She smirked even more.

"You're meant to be doing a job, Dr. Malucci."

"And who are you, my mom?" Before Abby could reply scathingly, Weaver's I-know-you're-not-working-Malucci radar went off. From across the corridor, you could hear her voice screeching,

"Malucci, get off your ass and work!"

"I'm-"

"No you're not." Then appeared the madwoman with the permanent limp and crutch, which seemed to stab wildly in Malucci's direction. Abby let herself a small smile as she watched Weaver yell at him. She felt sorry for him. . .almost. She shook her head as she walked off with a chart in hand, like anyone liked that woman. But she guessed Malucci deserved it. Life at the hospital was kinda amusing, she thought. But her thoughts turned more somber as she watched someone scrub Carter's name off the board for him. He'd be gone out of her life just like that soon. Abby watched the blank space bitterly. Just like that.

***

Carter rubbed the back of his neck, just the way Abby found cute. Not as if he knew, though. He yawned and switched on his radio. Lying on his back and staring at the ceiling was just _so fun._

Maybe he should give Abby a last chance to maybe convince him to stay. Because it was the deadline for confirming his leave from Cook County. He was to phone North Western the next day. And up till now, he was pretty sure he wanted to go, but he had small wavering thoughts of doubt. Hope. Hope that she might just tell him that she felt at least a portion of what he felt for her.

Love sucked. If there was one thing John Carter had learnt from life, it was "Don't fall in love." Love made you crazy. Love is suicide. It killed you every time. But it has its moments, as everything does. Glances that were worth those words of agony –'I'm in love'. He could live on Abby's smile for at least a week alone. Unfortunately, Carter found himself falling every time for someone who he could never have. He would always be like that, always rise to dizzying, wondrous heights with the object of his desire. And she would push him down and he would fall, tumbling, desperate and hopeless and that love hurt. But saying that, if he had to fall, God let it be from a high place. At least let it be worth the pain.

Maybe he should just wait for her, give her one last opportunity to convince him to stay. Well, he thought, he would give her the rest of today and until the afternoon tomorrow. If he still had no reason to stay, he would call North Western and hightail it over there.

***

Once Abby got home, her gaze almost immediately drew to the phone. Maybe she should call him. Try to convince him again. She couldn't afford to let him go. But then she turned away from it. He had made it pretty clear that he was going to leave. And what could she do anyway? If he had already agreed to leave and handed in his transfer notes already, how could he change his mind?

She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled at her reflection sadly. Her face was drawn and tired and dark shadows crossed over her face regularly.

It was true. Abby Wyzenski never got any happy endings.

***

Abby woke up with the sun streaming in, but at least no coffee fumes, she thought groggily. She half-stumbled, half-walked across the room to the shower and stripped off, letting the hot water wake her up. Mornings like these were the best.

And then she realized she had work to do.

She groaned. After she showered, she vigorously brushed her teeth, checked her answer machine, crawled across the apartment looking for her other shoe and when she found it, also found that amazingly, it was time to get to work. Deciding to screw makeup cos it wouldn't hide the bags under her eyes anyway, she dashed out and closed the door behind her.

Abby glanced at her watch inside Doc Magoo's. She was a whole 5 minutes early. But after working at County Cook General, she realized it never helped to be 5 minutes early. In the last 5 minutes of your shift, you always wondered why you came in early, adding an extra 5 to your already long shift. She looked at the menu and she knew she was going to order a coffee. Black, two sugars. She didn't particularly want it, but it kept her awake. Well, half-awake.

In no time, 5 minutes was over and she walked over to the hospital. Already ambulances were cluttered in the bay, gurneys with people and blood everywhere. She really did love this job. She stood outside Cook County savoring the cold air before she entered into the stuffy, crowded and busy ER. She closed her eyes for a small moment, and felt someone accidentally knock her aside in their hurry.

"Sorry." They mumbled and disappeared into the ER, before she could even see who it was. But she did catch sight of a familiar head of brown hair. She sighed softly and followed into the ER.

***

The day passed slowly for both of them, patients, blood and trying to avoid each other. As Carter's shift came to a close, he went to phone Northwestern – it was after lunch and he still had no reason to stay. He went to seek the nearest phone.

***

Abby's shift still lasted for about 3 hours, but she had gotten a sudden urge to go and try to stop Carter from going again. But this time the feeling was more desperate and she was feeling hollow. She needed to find him. She wasn't happy with their goodbye. If she could change it. . .maybe it didn't have to be a goodbye.

***

Carter picked up the phone and started to dial in the number.

***

Abby got to the reception desk and asked them while looking around,

"Has anyone seen Carter?" A chorus of 'no's came back at her. "Okay thanks." She had spotted Carter just dialing in a number into a phone.

"Carter! Carter!" He looked up at her.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just. . .look just come with me. . ." He hesitated, but put the phone back into its cradle and followed her. She led him up onto the roof and stood looking down at her feet for a moment.

"I have an important phone call to make, so. . ." He said impatiently.

"I want you to stay." He shook his head.

"Abby, you know. . ."

"I know, I know. Your mind's made up and you want to go. But you don't know how much I want you. . .it's love. It's definitely love, but I'm scared. I've never fallen in love so quickly and yet so slowly before. I just know that. . .I want you more than anything. And if I do have to say goodbye, if you're still going to go, I need to tell you this, I needed to make it clear. I love you and I think I have for. . .a long time. And I'm terrified that you're leaving me. Because I can't imagine ever having to live life without you. But if you do go, I just want you to know this." She didn't look up, for fear of mocking laughter, but she didn't hear anything.

"Abby. . ." He ran a hand through his hair regretfully. Abby thought her heart was going to explode from the waiting. Every momentous second beating in her ears.

"I'm sorry Abby. I'm sorry. We- we can't. . . Find yourself first. And then if you want, you can find me."

"I want." Abby replied without blinking. "I want now." He just shook his head.

"It's not as easy as that." Abby felt as if she couldn't breathe. So this was it. This was how it would end. He turned to leave. 

"Carter. . ." She called as a final plea. But he was gone, and she stood alone, a solitary figure, as it begun to rain.

***

As Carter left her standing there, her heart broken, his was shattering. Why hadn't he told her he would stay? Why leave now? She said that she loved him. What else did he want? What was he doing? So finally Abby had followed her heart only for him to follow his mind. What were they doing wrong? _What else did he want? He wanted her to stand on her own two feet, just in case he disappointed her. Because he knew he would. Of course he would. Like he had just done._

***

The rain fell lightly, getting heavier by the moment.

She had to try one more time. She couldn't give him up. She didn't want to find herself – she would be searching her entire life. She was too lost within Carter.

And there was only one other person she knew who Carter would listen to.

***

Carter was getting into his car in the rain, when he realized he hadn't actually phoned Northwestern yet. Shit. He sat inside and picked his cell phone out of his coat pocket. Just as he had picked it up, it started to ring.

"Hello?"

"John, this is your Gamma. Could you come over right now?"

"Gamma? Hi. What's wrong?"

"Just come over. I know I said that one thing I liked about you was your questioning nature, John, but for once I'd appreciate if you'd just ask no questions and come here straight away." Then she put the phone down on him and he sped off to his Gamma, worried that she may be hurt.

***

He arrived at Gamma's mansion, ushered in by her butler. He went into the first room and saw Gamma sitting there with Abby. She was wet and had obviously gotten there just before Carter.

"John. Come and sit." Gamma instructed. He had no other option but to sit down. "Abby, if you wouldn't mind. . ." Abby nodded.

"Sure." And walked out of the room, following the exiting butler. He sat in the chair facing Gamma.

"What are you doing? john, for all the time I've known you, I've never known you to turn away from someone who loved you. Why are you going to Northwestern? I don't agree with you going and the young lady doesn't agree with you going and I'm sure really, that you don't want to go. So why do you insist lying to everyone – including yourself – and telling us all that leaving would be good?" He shrugged.

"Because it would. Leaving will lose this burden that's on me."

"Burden? Whatever it is John, it will always be upon you, wherever you go. The only way to get rid of it is to get it out. So tell me. Why are you going? And really. No crap about career stuff." Gamma had gotten Carter there.

"You know what, maybe I just want to leave, is it so difficult to let me make my own decisions and decide what's best for me?!"

"It is when you don't know what to decide. You're leaving someone who loves you and more importantly who you love behind. I saw you two at the charity ball. I saw you both at your grandfather's funeral. And if there's one thing I do before I die, it's to see both of you happy. And you're happy together. I can't see the problem."

"It's not yours to see, Gamma. I just- I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing." He gave in, "To love someone like I love Abby. . .and _not be afraid to let them down. . ." He finally said._

"Who isn't?" Gamma asked. "John, talk to her. If you still want to go, I can't stop you. But when she called me, she gave you a second chance. Is it really what you want?" She smiled at him before leaving the room.

He sat in silence for a few minute, his mind growing ever-so-slightly doubtful.

***

Abby paced outside the room. _What could they possibly be saying?_ she wondered. But not for long. Only minutes after she had exited, Millicent Carter followed.

"Good luck Abby."

"Thank you." Abby replied. "For everything." Gamma just smiled.

"Just make sure he stays." Abby nodded and held her breath as she walked into the room. He was facing away from her, and obviously waiting for something. Now every second spent with him and every word out of her mouth was crucial.

_Oh God._

***

"Carter."

Carter turned to see Abby walk in, and sit in the seat which Gamma had just occupied. He could tell she was nervous. Neither could think of anything to say, and the silence grew longer. And then Abby laughed emptily.

"Are you scared right now? Because I really can't think of anything to say." She fiddled with her fingers as he stayed passive.

"We all get scared." He finally said. She stopped fiddling.

"What's wrong with me?" Carter frowned. What was she saying?

"What?"

"What's wrong with me? Why won't you stay? I've got nothing more to say, nothing more I could possibly think of saying to try to make you stay. If telling you I love you isn't enough, what is?" Carter took his time. He wasn't completely sure how to answer.

"We have problems. . .and the timing. . ."

"We can get through the problems together. And the timing. It sucks. But I can't really change that. You know, I didn't say I love you to a guy who throws out excuses to questions he can't answer. I would've let you go by now. But you haven't answered me. And I don't think you can even justify your answers to yourself. Why are you leaving? Because I've been thinking and thinking and I don't know. I love you. I told you that. You said you loved me. So why are you going? The only thing I can see here that might be wrong is that you might not love me. And if that's true, you should tell me."

"I love you. I do. I just can't. . . Aren't you worried I'm going to let you down? Because I think I already have. And I hate doing that to you."

"You've let me down, yes. But I'm risking it all again, because *you're worth it*. And if you can't see that. . ." She stood up. "I've got to go. My shift's not over yet."

"Abby." He stood up, and she stopped, turning around. His mind had been turning over as she spoke. And over and over. But now it has settled, and it had settled with staying. He took her hands and looked at her. "I'll stay." And then his arms were wrapped around her, and they were kissing. She pulled back.

"I don't think I've ever been so happy to hear those two syllables. But now, I've really got to go. I was serious about my shift not finished yet."

"And I thought it was the reverse psychology trick." She laughed. "Stay for a little while longer?"

"Okay, okay, I'll stay." She needed to say no more. Her mouth was met with his.

***

_When the world knocks down our door   
Or the sun is held for ransom   
When lies are cheap and easy to fall for   
I won't walk away or run from   
The hard in between   
I'll be strong and I'll stay   
I won't call you a fool or make a desperate scene   
I won't walk away  
Stand by me and I will stand by you_

_- Say-So 'Stand By Me' _

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[updated mon.12.2002]**  
The Thanks: **

**Katie** (thank you for being my first reviewer!); **jcal4evr** (thanks for being there all the way through); **MissDoc** (intriguing review. thank you); **Zoben** (thanks); **Stargirl** (unrealistic, I believe so. thanks.); **Rob** (lol. "Luka is a right git" mmm, funny. thanks); **Athena356 ** (thanks); **Elizabeth Kingston** (thanks); **Elizabeth** (thanks); **Ritaann** (it was carby in the end. thank you); **kate213** (thank you my dear luby. ^_^); ** meghan** (thanks); ** Adrienne** (thank you too, luby); ** Alicia** (thank you for your opinion); ** mauratierneyfan** (sorry for not making it a luby. but thanks); ** Kelly** (again, I'm sorry for it not being a luby); ** Lubylover** (wow, I really attract lubies... thanks); **annabanana** (thanks); **nony** (thank you muchly. I try not to make anyone the bad guy); **celticchild** (thanks); **Abby** (thank you); **Julianne** (yeah, I didn't work in the feelings of Luka really, because in the first place, I had pretty much imagined it to be carby, which was mean to the lubies. and I don't really like triangles. but thank you.); **kitty** (thank you. roadtrips so rule. I want to go on one!); **Irene** (thank you, again, despite being a luby); **Abby4Carter** (thank you. you like b's don't you? lubby, carbby...); **Kristina** (thanks); **alex** (you found me! and I love the big green thingers too! hey, if you see this, tell me where you went? I'm missing you down at fanforum); **aly** (thank you. I'm lucky no lubies have flamed me); "**Anon**" (aww, thank you, but I don't think it's the best carby ever. there are some spectacular writers out there); **Cat** (thank you. here is the last chapter.); **Galatea** (thanks for a lot. I re-wrote the ending, because I was inspired by you.); **Em** (thank you. I love gamma too! and malucci, though when I wrote this, this was a long time ago); **caterholic** (thank you so much. you were very nice); **Jen** (thanks for so much, Jen! you made me laugh my head off, and what would I have done without you lobbing potatoes at me?!); **aljc0129** (thank you. you've help me through this fic without killing off anyone to finish it quicker!); ** Hanspam** (last but not least, eh? thanks for your support. I know you were a luby but I converted you! *feels proud* my little carby Han...)

All the official people. People who created the characters so I could borrow them, who created the show etc. And to the people who sung the songs form where I used the lyrics from.

And, of course, anyone who took the time to read my story, but didn't review. I know you're out there... thank you.

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